January 9th.

Call me crazy, but every year on January 9th, I dive into my medical records and review the details of (and what subsequently changed nearly everything) my diagnosis of the "c word."

January 9th. My Cancerversary.

It comes yearly without fail. And I could retell every minute of that day without error. Amazing how one day, which I would assume is overlooked by most people, has burned such a mark in my life. So much has changed. It forces me to stop and reflect. To look back on all the chaos of these past 4 years, and remind me that there is so darn much to be lived going forward. Because to be frank, being labeled a "cancer patient" only served as the initiating snowball of what soon became an avalanche involving various aspects of my life. It was one big blizzard. And at times, it most certainly did feel like a white-out with no end. Yet, that is why I love today so much.

January 9th naturally brings with it some pain and frustration, but more than anything, it defines strength and gratitude. How blessed I am to leisurely sit here with my fresh brewed coffee, celebrating how far I have come over the years. And I know others with a "____versary" date, do the same. My wish is for majority of people, their "day" is a triumphant feeling, like mine. And my heart breaks for those who's "day" teeter-totters to the side of pain and sadness.

To briefly update, I am currently trying to find the best time to make my way home for almost over-due lab tests and diagnostic scans. (On that note, if anyone wishes to donate a private plane for use when needed, I would forever be indebted to you ;) But I am feeling the best I have in a very long time, which most certainly is a victory! Unfortunately, cancer doesn't "hurt" or make itself known well until later, so the time around appointments is consistently filled with a little anxiety. Regardless, "all is well and all will be well." (to quote my sweet mother.)

January 9th. The day I celebrate simply being. And while I annually reread all clinic/hospital notes and results--as any medical nerd would-- I also make my way through a very large stack of cards sent to me from y'all during this time 4 years ago. I absolutely love a handwritten letter. So much so that I have a kept a special box to hold each card in over the years. In fact, it's almost time to find a bigger one. A problem I don't mind one bit! So thank you. Thank you for the support then, and for the yearly reminder of how many wonderful people there are in this world. I am alive; therefore, I am blessed.

xoxo

Letting the Waves Settle

"She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her away, she adjusted her sails." -Elizabeth Edwards

Goodness it is good to write again. Since June, aka my last post, things have been a tad...crazy--in an absolutely stressful and wonderful way! If that makes any sense at all. From finishing school, preparing for and taking boards--all while packing to move to the very edge of the East coast--squeezing in any available time with loved ones, visits with all my doctors, a two day adventure across the country with my momma, one quick weekend to get adjusted before beginning my career, and then cramming as much dermatology into my brain as humanly possible to prep for now, when I have patients scheduling appointments to see me. I am finally at "now."

As I reflect back on the past 3 months, I can't help but feel a little lost. Where did all that time go? How in the world is my birthday in one week, which has always signaled the start of the holiday season? What all have I missed or forgotten to do? What I do know is that somehow I made it to the now, and it feels so dang good to take one long deep breath and simply enjoy the calming of the waves. Which speaking of waves, have I mentioned how unbelievable it is to live at the beach? To be honest, I am not entirely sure I could have made it to now without the help of ocean salts in my nose, the sand between my toes, and the calming effect of crashing waves. Free therapy at its finest. Visitors are always welcome ;)

With the "now" comes so much gratitude. My career in dermatology could not be off to a better start. I love every minute of my clinic days--yes, even the frustration that accompanies any medical field. I cannot tell you how many times I answer the question, "What in the world brought you all the way from Nebraska?!" And I smile. Because the simple answer is "the beach and this job opportunity." Which is true. But deep down it was the burning need to get away. To explore a new area. To admittedly, be selfish. And not selfish in a negative way, but in such a way that it was time to take care of myself a bit. To just breathe and enjoy the now.

But the past few days, I have really struggled. I am continually reminded at how undeservedly blessed I am. For example, a few thoughts that wage battle in my mind:  How is it that I am able to decide if red or white wine will be best with our Thanksgiving meal? Not the thought of if I'll even have food on the table. Or here I am leisurely sitting at a vineyard, listening to live music while sipping wine, with no fear of danger, while others are fleeing for their lives. What makes me so special to have such a supportive, God-loving, handsome man by my side? Instead of a terror that takes advantage of my gender. How did I end up with my dream job? Why did I have such a remarkable childhood, with loving family that I miss daily? And to be completely honest, it's simply not fair.

What I cannot seem to accept is why God gave me this life. I had absolutely zero control of who my mother and father were, the morals they would instill, the home to keep me warm. No control over the fact that I was born in a society where education is so readily available, allowing me to achieve my dreams. No control over my home country being one in which constant danger (in most cases) is not the norm. Where I am allowed to praise the One above all else without fear of death. And now, living in a town on the beach with new friends that quickly became family. Why was I given this life full of constant blessing? Because absolutely no one deserves to live in persecution, fear, horror, hardship, and pain. Yet, it is all over. Stories, daily, highlight the turmoil of this Earth. And I think that is where I have to give it all to Him. All the praise for this life I live. All the heartache I feel when I see what others must endure, yet initially had no control over when they entered this world. All the gratitude for what I have been given. And all the fears that may be.

Now not to be mistaken, I too have things I could complain about. But how awful of me to think that my problems are in any way worth feeling sorry for myself. Not going to happen. Instead, I insist on finding the good. Rejoicing in the beauty that surrounds me daily. And knowing that He gave it all.

May you each have a relaxing and joyous Thanksgiving, surrounded by the ones you love most. I pray you each feel as blessed as I do this holiday season.

All my love.
xoxo

They Say, "It's Just a Game."

They say, "It's just a game."

I dare you to speak those words to any one of the A&M baseball players today. Or even, any of their family members. I would be willing to bet, the reaction you would get would be nothing short of dumbfounded.

It starts at a young age. Little League dreamers. Never to be found without a bat and ball. Living for those nights under the lights. Entering the gates of the College World Series in June with wide eyes and excitement that would send any ball out of the park. And the only thing on their mind is the hope of one day playing for a National Championship, themselves.

Years pass by and suddenly they are putting on a jersey, with the name of their dream University embroidered across the front. The small crowds of parents and loved ones, turn into thousands cheering on their favorite school. Along with that comes the fact that you will either be their hero or talk of the town when you make a mistake. There is no middle ground. The love brings with it scrutiny. "You are paid in scholarships to succeed. It can't be that hard. Just hit the ball and throw strikes."

But there is so much more to the game fans watch on a Friday night. The "behind the scenes" that only family members and teammates truly understand. The 5:30am lifts followed by team conditioning. A packed academic schedule from 8am-1pm, followed by a long afternoon of practice. Quick dinner and then study hours. Repeat. 5 days a week. And obligations in the community on weekends. Otherwise, hopping on a plane or traveling by bus to take on the next opponent. Down time? It doesn't exist. (Trust me, it's hard enough just getting a phone call or Facetime session in once a week.) Off season? If you think intense Marine-led workouts and team scrimmages for starting spots, counts. But, "It's just a game."

Sacrifices are made by the families, too. The expense of traveling each weekend to cheer on your favorite players. Dealing with the press and publicity, along with small talk heard when the gossipers don't realize you are related to one of the players. The stress that naturally accompanies games, or the constant "what if" fear that they, God-forbid, would be injured. And then the losses. A pain that cannot be put into words. Especially the big ones. The season-ending, dream crushing, 16 inning, 6+ hour games, that come up just short of achieving the dream of playing in Omaha. Supposedly, "It's just a game."

Last night still stings. And I cannot even begin to speak for how those players are feeling today. Their raw posts on social media are heartbreaking. A season that ended too soon. It wasn't supposed to be that way. And yet, today they are left with making big time decisions about what to do with their careers. Accept the draft spot when the phone call comes (which you only have seconds to decide), or stay and put on that jersey for another year? While it is a great position to be in, it's one that I do not envy in the least. Come on, "It's just a game."

The hardest part of the loss last night, is the realization that I will never watch that same set of boys take the field together. Ask anyone, they were a special group. One with heart and class. Each a follower of Christ, playing for His glory. Their demeanor on the field was top notch, and off the field they were true gentlemen. Often rare, these days, amongst athletes. They gave it everything they had, and made myself and every other fan, as proud as we've ever been.

You see, it is not "just a game." It is a family, a community, a discipline, a glorification of the gifts they were given, an unbeatable bond, and memories that will last forever. Baseball has always held our family together through the good and bad. It has been our common ground when things are shaky. And I can promise you, it is so much more than "just a game."

To the Aggie baseball team, thank you. Thank you for your relentless effort and dedication. Thank you for the thrills. Keep your chins up. 

And to #14. I have told you once, and I will continue you tell you, how so incredibly proud and honored I am to call you my brother. This is only the beginning, bud. Keep dreaming. And trust His plan. I love you.

 ✖️⚾️✖️⚾️ 

Beauty Marks

Scar.

If you look it up in the dictionary you find:

scar  [skahr] 

  

noun

1.

a mark left by a healed wound, sore, or burn.

2.

a lasting aftereffect of trouble, especially a lasting psychological injury resulting from suffering or trauma.

3.

any blemish remaining as a trace of or resulting from injury or use.

I am sure many of you can quickly point to any number of physical scars on your body and take a walk down memory lane, retelling every detail of how that keloid (build-up of tissue) made its mark on your once flawless skin. Then there's those emotional scars that only you can truly feel. They leave their mark on your heart, only visible if you allow them to be.

Regardless of the type, each brings pain. In some situations, such as in the "traumatic boo-boo" experienced by a 3 year old, the pain lasts a mere 7 seconds before all is well. Others, however, take years to heal. And even then some do not truly disappear, you just adjust and accept things as they now are.

And regardless of the type, they are not what I would call "fun." (Unless of course you fought off a shark attacking your family while snorkeling in the Cayman Islands, and lived to tell your heroic story.) Personally, my scars aren't the most appealing to the general public. They are rough, some might call them a stroke of bad luck, carry with them a wide range of emotions, and are continually with me on a daily basis. Yet they make up exactly who I am.

This past January, I celebrated my 3 Year Cancerversary. I still cannot wrap my mind around that fact. January 9th, 2012 feels like yesterday. Every detail still clear as day. Yet so much has changed. And today marks the final day of my radiation treatment protocol that year, as well. Scars. Ever present.

But scars are beauty marks. They show character. Determination. Fight. Resillience. And strength. The best part? God loves them. Honestly! Not too long ago, I was listening to a sermon at church. We were told, "In the end, we will be judged by our scars." At first, it was puzzling. Why would our scars hold such a value? Especially when some could be self-inflicted by sin. But the more I thought, the more it made sense. Scars also require the trust of His plan. One of my favorite quotes by Mother Teresa is, "I know God will never give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much." Because no matter the circumstance, we will be given the gifts and blessings necessary to fulfill His plan for our lives. And what a beautiful sense of relief that provides!

With the turning of the new year, so much has been uncharted territory. Confusion about what to do with my current medications--as laboratory results continue to be puzzling, insurance uncertainties, ever-changing medical rotations, family struggles, the beginning steps of communication with a lost loved one, and the common fear of the unknown. And all of these situations can be attributed to some scar or another, or have created a new. But if I stop and surrender my life to His loving arms, I find peace within myself. And it is good.

Wishing you all a blessed start to 2015 and the prayer that you may come to see His continual gifts and blessings surrounding you daily.

xoxo

Below is picture of me in "isolation" post-radiation 3 years ago. 

It's funny--just today I was complaining about how much progress I need to make in a few areas and then one look at old photos and it puts it all into perspective. 

Oh the inside jokes associated with this! Laughter truly is the best medicine. 

Grateful Wishes

I should first begin by wishing each of you a Happy Thanksgiving! I hope it was a day filled with simple joys and stretchy pants.

Each year, my birthday falls on or within a few days of this wonderful holiday. And each year I am continually reminded of how truly blessed I am to have so much to be grateful for and the happiness that filled each day of the past year. Not to mention, the excitement and anticipation another trip around the sun holds!

In honor of the two celebrations, I thought I would put together a post full of all I am so very thankful for, and then in turn, how those warm thoughts become birthday wishes for my upcoming 25th year on this Earth.

First and foremost, I am grateful for my relationship with our Lord Jesus Christ. While each day always possess something to smile about, I would be lying if I told you there were never any frowns. But in those moments, it's my relationship with Him that keeps me strong. I often wonder how those without belief in a higher power make it through the struggles of this life. I, myself, know I would surely crumble. My birthday wish is for continual trust and guidance in His plan for the beautiful life He promises each of us.

Secondly, I am grateful for love. Obviously the love of my family and friends, but that of total strangers as well. I know I can always count on an incredible support system for courage--and of course, a good laugh. But it's those random acts of kindness I witness daily that give me such a fuzzy feeling inside. Love is a verb. Yes, it is very much an emotion, but when that feeling is translated into an action, the magic that happens is breathtaking. My birthday wish is for each one of you to experience such a pure and powerful love.

I am also grateful for my education. Many times people (myself included) curse long nights of studying and the continual stress to perform. But I could not be more thankful for my medical education. Seeing all I have learned, put into practice each day in the clinic, is beyond rewarding. An education is something no one can ever take from you. And something people in third world counties die (literally) to obtain. How lucky we are here in the States with such freedom. My birthday wish is that all those striving for knowledge, will be given the opportunity to attain it. And personally, for continued success and clarity of future educational/career opportunities upon graduation in July. (Eek!)

Next, I cannot be more grateful for my health. Often people say, "How lucky you were to have caught the cancer early." And they could not be more correct. I thank God daily for His hand in this journey. Especially this past month. When I posted earlier in November, I had randomly come across an unusual lump in the midline of my neck and was awaiting upcoming appointments and tests. It was unilateral, painful with certain movements, and in a location where very little could go wrong aside from malignancy. Even my "you're fine" medical friends (we all have a strange mindset wherein nothing is ever truly wrong) were concerned. But thanks be to God's protection and care, the mass checked out as benign; something we will continue to follow but is of little concern at this point. Praise heaven! What a giant relief that news was for myself and loved ones. So, my birthday wish is for a year of wellness, and the healing of every body. It is my pet peeve when people complain about "getting another year older." The American Cancer Society has a motto that I adore:  Helping to create more birthdays. The celebration of a birthday, is a celebration of another year of memories; something to be cherished--not dreaded. I still act like an overly excited child when November 29th rolls around! And I do not foresee that changing anytime soon :)

And finally, I am grateful for simple joys. I make it my M.O. (modus operandi--latin for method of operation) to take notice of all the little pleasures. It's those things we take for granted that others are praying for daily. Because when you truly pause and look around, life is pretty amazing. And I can assure you, it's those simple joys that fill a heart with so much happiness. My birthday wish is for each of you to notice the little things. Your heart will thank you.

My last wish is in the form of a prayer. Enjoy. And blessings this holiday weekend! xoxo

May God grant: 

Lucky stars above you. 

Sunshine on your way. 

Many friends to love you.

Joy in work and play.

Laughter to outweigh each care.

In your heart a song.

And gladness waiting everywhere,

all your whole life long!

-Irish Blessing

An adorable (gluten-free) birthday cake from my sweet mother. 

Africa in the Heartland

November is one of my most favorite months of the year. The weather is crisp and leaves are still changing. Starbucks brings out their festive red holiday cups. (I may be sipping from one as we speak...) Fireplaces are lit. A really special girl has a birthday at the end the month. ;) And I love witnessing the heightened sense of gratitude amongst everyone in the days leading up to Thanksgiving.

Gratitude. A simple word, with such a profound meaning. And a very difficult emotion to embrace at times.

This past month has been full of trials and tribulations. Or as my current psychiatric patients often say, "Well. Life happened," when explaining how they ended up at an inpatient psychiatric hospital...for the eighth time. So, I am going to take their words and keep it simple by saying, "Life is happening." And while majority of the time, I know without a doubt I am far more blessed than I deserve; yet, I would be lying if I did not admit that my strength has been tested, and the decision to stop carrying a few crosses needed to be made--or I might have found my name on the psych hospital daily rounds list!

One of my "coping strategies" (a strategy taught daily to my patients) when things are not pretty and peaceful, is to wish I was in Africa. Back to the place where my heart has never felt such an overwhelming happiness. The problem with my strategy, though, is obvious. Hopping on a plane and embarking over the Atlantic Ocean for a few days of therapy is only realistic if you are Angelina Jolie. While I may be as stunningly beautiful as her (ha kidding, of course!), I definitely do not have the means on all accounts. So. I have decided to bring my Africa to the Heartland. Incorporating all of the features that filled my soul with pure joy, into my daily life here.

Today I re-read the journal entries from my mission trip. Here is what I noted as things I would miss upon my return home:

• Beauty of the land.
• Laid back lifestyle. 
• How the faces of each patient lit up when I smiled. 
• No obligations. Only to love.
• Opportunities left and right to make a remarkable difference in the lives of others. 
• African music. 
• Excited of the children yelling "Obrooni! Obrooni!" (translated to "white person.")
• Absence from technology. 
• Fresh mangos.
• Exploring an entirely different culture. 
• Sound of waves crashing on the shore. 
• Vibrant colors. 
• Time to reflect and relax. 
• Abundant time to be with God. 
• Faith and love shining out from everyone. 
• Smiles of the young and old. 
• Perfect peace.

The common theme is clear. I was/am missing the simplicity of life and appreciation of the little things. Gratitude. 

Those crosses I am bearing? I could go on and on about my frustrations. But they are weightless in Africa. Everyone there faces daily battles far more difficult than many of us will probably ever witness in a lifetime. And yet they know there is no need to carry them, as the Lord manages the load for us all on His own. Instead? Smile. And often. Take time to pause. And pray. Love others. And love hard. Embrace life. And hold nothing back. Help someone else. And then help ten more. Most importantly--fill your day with gratitude. 

Here is part of another journal entry I read--which naturally is a perfect fit still today:  

July 14th, 2011--8:12pm Ghana time

My daily devotion today was so great. Here's a bit of what it said:

"I could instantly grant you the spiritual riches you desire, but that is not my way for you. Together we will forge a pathway up the high mountain...someday you will dance on the high peaks...all I require is for you to take the next step. Clinging to my hand for strength and direction...stay on the path I have selected for you. It is truly the path of life."

So to each of you this November, I trust and hope that you too will add a touch of Africa to your daily lives. I can assure you, the feeling is like none other. And as far as my health (a current cross I am tossing to the wayside), there are a few concerning issues as of late. One's that I was reminded today, need to be addressed. But that insurance problem I mentioned briefly before? It has only escalated. (Another cross I am giving up to the Big Man.) So you could say I am in-between a rock and a hard place. However, this is my path. Right now I am only required to take the next step. Easy! Once I have a better idea of things, and to spare a lengthy post, I will update. For now? We pray. And look up flights to Africa ;) 

Wishing you all the beautiful blessings this month brings!

xoxo

How Sweet the Sound

In the past couple days, almost every one of my patients (along with numerous community members) have brought up the "scary ebola situation" at UNMC, and then proceed to ask, "What do you think about all of this?!" In a tone of disgust. And to be honest, when I initially heard the news, my only thought was, "How awesome." But it quickly became apparent that my opinion was one of minority. So. I decided to think a little harder about how I feel. And what better way to spend a quick break between patients? (Although I do have a very nice stack of charts to catch up on!)

Now, I should probably add a disclaimer before I proceed. All of what I am about to write is my own opinion, influenced by nothing other than my own heartfelt thoughts. With that being said, I will gladly listen to "the other side" and respect any and all concerns. I just ask you do the same with me :)

First, I am frustrated by the entire situation. We finally have potentially exciting and profound news to discuss--as compared to hate crimes, continual unrest in the East, and the "tragic" death of another celebrity--yet "we" (as in news commentary, social media posts, and mainly very narrow-minded/naive citizens etc.) are still quick to point out all of the negatives.

I wish everyone would pause for a second and picture this man as their husband, father, grandfather, or son. Would they still want nothing to do with him? Wish that he would get as far away from an outstanding hospital as possible? Just let him die; it's better we only lose one versus risk the lives of many? Treat him as a "thing" instead of their loved one? I am immediately reminded of the story in the bible when Jesus heals the man with leprosy. The disfigured man was shunned. Isolated. An outcast. Yet, in God's eyes he was still His son. A man that deserved no less than everyone else. And as Christians we are taught to model the life of Jesus; be His eyes, ears, hands, and feet here on Earth. I don't think I have to spell out how He might handle this current "situation" in Omaha--it's blatantly obvious.

The entire team working here in Nebraska is to be commended. They are practicing acts of amazing grace. As medical providers we sign up for this. We take an oath proclaiming we will do all it takes to help each and every patient. Proof that love is the only evidence needed to do our work. Like I said, divine acts of amazing grace--and how sweet the sound!

Furthermore, "little, nowhere Nebraska" is now on the map for the entire world to follow. How incredible! Everyone from the suffering families in Africa, to medical professionals all over the world, along with curious citizens, are united. United in one, with one common hope: a treatment (and hopefully a cure) for one awful and deadly disease.

So today, I simply ask that you open your hearts. Find the positives. Live as Jesus would. And pray. Pray for peace on Earth--no matter the circumstance.

Amazing grace. Such a beautiful, beautiful sound.

xoxo

"I see Jesus in every human being. I say to myself, "This is hungry Jesus, I must feed him. This is sick Jesus. This one has leprosy or gangrene; I must wash him and tend to him. I serve because I love Jesus." -Mother Teresa