Back In Action

Hello! Yes, I'm back!!!

Although, I'm not even sure where to begin. In the past three days a lot has happened and I have had plenty of time for thousands of thoughts to run through my head. So bare with me if this post seems to be all over the place. 

Friday was a long day. I spent the early morning packing everything up and figuring out only what I would need to have in my room and what my mom could keep in the safe zone. Before I knew it we were headed to the med center to check in. Labs were done, and then the waiting began after we reported to Nuclear Medicine. My mom and aunt grabbed Starbucks and we killed time in the gift shop and wandering the hospital. Then I spent the last bit of time on the iPad before it was time for my scans. They ran three different views. As I laid there for an hour under the continually switched out warm blankets (hidden gems at hospitals, never refuse them even if you're already warm), I could not stop marveling at the technology circling around me. We are so lucky to have access to the care that we do!

After those were complete, we were taken to another room to wait for the doctors to review the results. After about an hour, a resident came in and began to review the process for adjusting to life after the radiation was administered. To be honest, she was terrible. Her patient interaction was average at best and she was just going through the motions of checking things off the list. I remained pleasant and just wanted to keep moving forward. Then came the radiologist. She told us the scans looked good, and the trial run on Thursday went as planned. However, she made a comment about the pathology report that was incorrect. (I knew right away because I, myself had reviewed the copy sent home with us after my post-op appointment.) After we questioned her, she said she would go check it out again and proceeded with more information about the rules after the treatment. But, her's didn't quite line up with what the resident told me, or what the radiation safety guy had called and talked to me about last week, or the nurse of the doctor in charge of my treatment. So here I was with random bits of varying information from four different sources. This time I didn't remain as calm. I waited for her to leave the room before I let loose. My poor mom and aunt had to hear me vent about how annoyed and frustrated I was and that I just wanted to go home. I was not mad at anyone, simply just upset at the fact that I have been working so hard to make sure everything falls into place on my end and to them I was just another case. In their defense, I do have very high expectations for physicians. But only because I know I will hold myself to those same standards of care as a doctor one day.

Finally it was time to receive the radiation dose. (By the way, the doctor was wrong about the pathology report.) The pharmacy delivered it in a secure vessel, covered in the infamous radioactive yellow label. Everyone had to leave the room, and I was given the instructions not to touch it and to quickly swallow it down. There I sat. Holding the treatment in a crazy container that apparently is supposed to treat the cancer they found a few short weeks ago. It was a very strange couple of minutes. A few deep breaths and one big swallow later, I was done. And just like that, I became the girl that everyone had to stay far away from. 

I crawled to the far back of the suburban covered in old sheets, opposite of my mom. She put in Toy Story 3 at my request, and we were on the interstate headed West for home. I didn't make it far though. Just as Woody was found hanging from the tree by the little girl at the daycare, I fell asleep. That was for the best because I did feel a little queasy and being in the way back of a car with the high winds only added to my slight case of car sickness. Before I knew it we were home. But it wasn't my usual homecoming. No hugs, no unloading my bags myself, no homemade food waiting for me. Just a a few hellos from afar to my dad and brother, and the random quick shutting off of lights by my dad to see if I was glowing yet. Then it was off to my bedroom I went. Which is where I have stayed all weekend aside from the few steps to my bathroom. 

As far as how I have been feeling, I can't complain. I've had a few bouts of nausea, but the doctor wrote me a prescription for the anti-nausea medication they give to chemo patients and that has done the trick. No migraines, yet. (knock on wood) Just a weird headache that has not gone away since I arrived home. And some bizarre chest pain that we are keeping an eye on. Oh and the tingling of my hands, feet, and lips indicating my calcium levels are still low from surgery. I have been exhausted and have not had an appetite at all. But again, I have nothing to complain about. Considering the circumstances, I am very lucky. I am tired of constantly shaking due to extreme chills no matter how many layers I'm wearing or sheets I'm covered up in though. Also, there is a baby gate in our hallway keeping our lab, Parker far away. Add that to the baby monitor in my room, and the fact that all I do is sleep and sometimes eat, and my dad's usual name for me of "Baby Keri," is very fitting still at age 22.  

Being isolated from all technology besides my TV, was not a big deal. Just like I didn't miss emails, Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest, etc. in Africa, I didn't miss them this weekend. The thing that was hard was not being able to go to espn.com to quick look up game times, scores, and reports. And I really don't like depending on others to do things for me. I would much rather do everything myself instead of ask for help. Clearly that has had to change drastically. My brother stayed home with me Friday night while my parents went to card club. He was amazing! Anything I needed, he was there. He even kept me laughing by acting out The Sandlot scene when Benny attempts to get by "The Beast," Hercules. (Which was me behind the baby gate in this case.) 

There are a bunch of things I could talk about, but I've decided that this post is already long enough so I will just save those for the next couple of days. One thing I do want to touch on though, is the Super Bowl. I am so happy Eli Manning and the crew got the job done. The catch by Manningham was absolutely unbelievable. Not to mention, the dead on, across the body spiral from Eli. But, I was very disappointed in the commercials. The M&M one made me laugh, but majority of the others were not worth the amount of money spent. Madonna was a disappointment as well. Beautiful woman, but her dancing could use a lot of work. But the thing that I was most disgusted with was Gisele Bundchen. I realize she is a supermodel, but if you are the wife of a quarterback playing in the Super Bowl, at least wear the teams colors! It's not a fashion show. You don't need to wear the latest trends. Support your husband and the team. Custom make an adorable jersey, piece together layers using red and navy blue, something! She's clearly not in it for the right reasons. Just more evidence that I'm fit to be Dr. Trophy Wife.

To close, I know my mom posted it on my Facebook, but I wanted to again mention how Friday, February 3rd (my treatment day) was the feast day of St. Blaise. It just so happens that he is the Patron Saint of Throat Illnesses! When I found this out in the waiting room, I was in total amazement. I don't care what anyone tells me, there is no possible way that out of 365 days (366 this year) that my treatment would just "magically" fall on that day. It is a total God thing. I guess He really means it when He says to trust in His timing!! 

God Bless.

Goodbye Technology

Tonight as I write I am indulging in grapes, kiwi, and pineapple. Only a few more hours until I'm NPO (nothing by mouth) until around 3pm tomorrow when I can drink water again. Then on Saturday around noon I can start sucking on lemon drops, jolly ranchers, and weather's original hard candies. The reasoning for that is my salivary glands will be hit pretty hard by the radiation, which will cause my mouth to be very dry until the glands recover. That day I also have been instructed to really push fluids. Of course, water will be my only option. Once Sunday comes around, it's back to the iodine-free diet through Monday.

I am so close! The past couple of days have taken a toll on me though. The cravings have been out of control, and I have even asked my aunt a couple times if I can just have one bite of a few things. Thankfully she laughed and told me absolutely not. I stopped at Target quick today and they were popping a fresh batch at the Cafe. Just my luck. Then at another stop, there was the distinct smell of burnt popcorn and I still would have given anything to have a bite. I wasn't kidding about my addiction!

Today and yesterday have been packed full of a variety of things. The first thing I did when I got here was head to the med center for the start of treatment. I had tons of blood drawn for various tests and then reported to the Nuclear Medicine ward. They took me back, went over a bunch of things, and then gave me one big shot in the hip. I have to admit, my bruise today looks pretty sweet. After we left, my aunt and I ran a few errands. One was to Costco for a bunch of fresh fruit. So yummy! I felt good all day until I hopped in the shower around 3:15pm to get ready for the college basketball game we went to last night. Getting ready just takes so much out of me lately. But there was no way I was going to miss the game! It was a blast. Court-side, hanging out in the Club with some amazing people, and then finishing the night at a beautiful hotel downtown to celebrate a birthday. I rocked the title of designated driver and had a great time. The thought of a refreshing gin and tonic with lime kept teasing me though.

Then came today. I was NPO starting at 8am, so I woke up early and loaded up on fruit. Then my other aunt took me to have a massage. The therapist had certification training in oncology therapy. Needless to say, it was wonderful. If you have never had a massage, or it has been awhile, call tomorrow and book an appointment. Yes, while it is a luxury, give up your Starbucks or going out to eat for a couple weeks to make up for it. I promise you won't regret it. Then we headed back to the hospital for round two.

Today shots went in the left hip and then I took a trial dose of the iodine that serves as the base for the radiation. I have already become a familiar face around the Nuclear Medicine area. We're all on a first name basis. For some reason, there was a lot more pain today than yesterday, and the side effects hit me harder afterwards. But, all is well.

Later we went and had our nails done, and then at 3pm I could finally eat! My mom came to town around 5pm, and we all met up at my other aunt and uncles house for dinner with my four little cousins. (I enjoyed a bunch of veggies and yes you guessed it, some more fruit.) After, we loaded up and headed to my cousin's middle school band and choir concert. I was so excited because the entire program had an African theme! I could not stop thinking about how amazing it would be to fall asleep tonight and wake up back in Ghana. I miss the people, especially the children, every day. Oh but speaking of Africa, I ran across a huge internship opportunity in the sub-saharan region of Africa this July and instantly decided to apply!!! The deadline is later next week. Not that I needed anything else on my plate right now, but there was absolutely no way I was going to pass this opportunity up. I am already way too excited at just the thought of getting to go back.

But back to the entire reason for this blog. Tomorrow is the big shebang. I'm supposed to check-in at 11am, but we're going to head down just a little bit earlier in hopes of getting on the road before the worst of this big "thunder snow" (as the weatherman called it) storm hits. I don't know too much more than I did on Tuesday. I just know tomorrow consists of more blood work, meetings with some doctor's , a scan, more time with doctor's, and then once my dosage is calculated, the radiation. Immediately after, I am shipped out of there a sent home. Again, I won't have my phone or computer from about noon tomorrow until around noon on Monday. So call/text/post your little hearts out until then, or forever hold your peace--at least until Monday. I can't imagine the Keri withdrawals you are all going to experience. I promise I'm all yours starting Monday. I will have plllllllenty of time to catch up with each of you.

Tonight with family, the jokes started flying. My mom apparently has a fresh, green plant in my room in hopes that it will help suck up all the bad. I told her I'm going to just kill it in a matter of days. But I guess that will give me something to look at. Maybe it will make up for missing so much microbiology lab sessions. My aunt then demonstrated the scene from E.T. when the flower shrivels up and dies. My uncle decided I should get a goldfish too and run an experiment to see if my radioactivity kills it or makes it grow a third eye. But I can't bare the thought of Nemo dying or becoming deformed just because he happened to get plopped into a bowl in my room. My uncle also asked if I could take home some of his defective Christmas lights and "recharge" them up for him. Also, everyone started laughing at the thought of the baby monitor in my room making a continually buzzing noise due to the gamma rays radiating off of me. And of course finally the name game began:  Glow Worm, Light Bright, Bubble Bright, Glow Girl...to name a few. It was nice to have a deep, tear-producing laugh through all of that.

So I guess this is it for a little while. Watching the Super Bowl on Sunday won't be the same without people to laugh and/or make fun of the commercials with, whip up and devour fun game-day foods, talk smack about the Patriots (mainly Tom Brady and Bill Belichick), and just spend time with friends and family. But at least I am going to be able to watch the game!

Again I want to express to each of you how much your beautiful words, selfless acts of service, thoughts, and powerful prayers mean to me! I am humbled and amazed. I can't put it any other way except that God has blessed me beyond belief. So thank you from not only me, but my entire family.

If any of you plan on traveling this weekend, please be careful! Remember that while having your plans thrown off course due to nasty weather totally sucks, taking the risk anyway is not worth it and won't matter a month from now.

All my love.

Goodbye Bed Bugs

This is my break from packing. I have never been a fan and still don't like it, but in the past month I have become a champ. I definitely know what it feels like to live out of suitcases and bags now, but tonight has been a new challenge. What all am I going to need for two and a half weeks at home? Not only do I need to consider the usual clothes and bathroom items, but everything I could possibly need to keep up with each of my classes.

At one point, I was sitting on the floor arranging everything and just stared at my overflowing suitcase. It was then this all became so real. This past month I have been talking to so many people saying, "When I have treatment..." or "Not until the first part of February." But it's here. Tomorrow is Day 1. 

After taking my microbiology exam this afternoon, I officially said good-bye to campus until February 20th! That alone is a lot to take in. But I guess it's not a bad thing considering there has been a recent attack of bed bugs in the dorms and a couple fraternity houses. Every time I ride the bus or sit on a cushioned seat in classrooms, the thought of tiny, itchy bugs goes through my mind. So gross! 

I head to the medical center tomorrow morning for the first round of blood work and shots. I do that again on Thursday, but with the addition of a trial run of the treatment dose. It's not until Friday though, that I become radioactive after more blood work, a body scan, and the actual treatment dose. After that I head home for some quality "me" time, locked away in my room. I told the neighbors that if they see my lights flashing on and off that I have officially gone crazy and to quickly get help! 

I had to stop taking my thyroid medication on Saturday. To say I have been exhausted is an understatement. I keep falling asleep at the most random times. And even though the weather has been absolutely beautiful, I've had constant chills. The good part is I am used to all of this and it is only temporary. I have about a week left without medicine, and then I can hopefully start getting back on track! I woke up with a little bit of a sore throat today and panicked a little. I immediately begged my immune system to hold out just a little bit longer! And as dumb as it probably was, I tried to work out this afternoon. I did a few lifts and then jumped on the cardio machine. I lasted a whopping 15 minutes. I knew I shouldn't have gone, but I am way too stubborn (not surprising to any of you) to just not try. 

As for how I will feel post-treatment, it is different for every patient. With my past medical record of becoming easily nauseated, the doctor said there's a good chance I will struggle with feeling pretty sick for awhile. Also, I've suffered from terrible migraine headaches dating back to 4th grade. Because my hormones will be totally out of whack, I can probably expect to have a few of those too. The plan is to ask the doctor tomorrow if she can prescribe me shots that I can give myself if I do get one. Otherwise, I have not found one prescription medication that gives me results. The only relief I get is when I go see the chiropractor, which clearly isn't going to be possible these next couple of weeks. 

I was able to speak with the radiation specialist yesterday about specific questions I had regarding what all I need to do once I am back home. He gave me a little insight, but noted that I will go through a big ordeal on Friday with specifics based on the dose of radiation I receive. The higher the dose, the crazier things get. The one thing he did say to count on though was that starting at 11am on Friday, I will not be able to use my phone or laptop until Monday around noon. My family had planned on Skyping with me during those first few days when they can't have any contact with me whatsoever, but I think the plan now is to have a baby monitor set up in my room instead. That way if I need anything or if anything happens, someone will know.

I feel like everything is still so up in the air. But I took some time tonight to pray and relax during an hour of Eucharistic Adoration. Normally my mind is racing with hundred's of thoughts and things to get done, and it is hard to really enjoy just being there. Tonight was different though. I was able to sit and simply be at peace. There are many things I don't have an answer to, but that's alright. If I knew all of the answers, what would be fun about the adventure? I also prayed for all of you! I can't tell you enough how appreciative I am of the outpouring of love and support I have received. I am one very lucky girl. 

I plan on posting again on Thursday. From then until Monday, consider "no news, good news" as my mom would say. 

Sleep tight! Don't let the bed bugs bite ;)

Rock Chalk McDonald's

Good news! We all made it to Friday. I'll be honest, when I was writing my last post Sunday night I wasn't entirely sure how my week was going to fall into place enough to make it to today, all I knew was that somehow it would. And it did!

Now I'm sure you are all wondering what happened with the Kansas University Medical School situation. I called right away Monday morning, only to get a voicemail saying they were all out of the office until Wednesday conducting interviews (ha, weird), so I left a brief message asking them to call me at their earliest convenience. An hour later I received an email stating they were out of the office, but that I could email my questions back to them. I immediately compiled together the best explanation of my situation, replied, and then waited. And waited some more. I arrived back in Lincoln that day around 4pm, and the instant I walked into my room my phone alerted me of a new email. Sure enough it was from the Dean informing me that there were no available interview slots, but that they would make one for me if I could be there at 9:30am on Tuesday morning. In the next hour I sent at least 10 emails to professors and people about missing class and other obligations on Tuesday, exchanged out the clothes in my bags, made sure my skirt suit was ready to go, my mom was on her way to pick me up with Starbucks in hand, and we had a hotel waiting for us in Kansas City for the night. Talk about random road trip!

Both interviews at the school went well, and my mom got to enjoy some time shopping at The Plaza. We also got to meet up with a relative of ours who works at the medical center. Before we departed for home, we tried to think of a place I might be able to get some food. The lunch the school provided looked amazing, but of course none of it was iodine-free. The almonds and clementines I packed tied me over for a little bit, but by then I was pretty hungry. My mom had the idea to try a Mongolian restaurant. I absolutely love fresh veggies, and as long as I didn't put any sauces on, it was diet friendly. As boring as that might sound, it was far from that for me. I was in heaven. Now of course it is much better when I can load on my favorite blend of flavors, but it was warm and stopped my stomach from sounding like a gurgling drain, so I was happy.

Speaking of food, I have been having the strangest cravings since this iodine-free diet began. Here are a few of the things I would pay big bucks to indulge in right now:  juicy cheeseburger, swiss mushroom Runza, grilled PB&J, all kinds of popcorn (of course), cheesy with ranch from Amigos, pulled pork and BBQ sauce, cinnamon crunch bagel with hazelnut cream cheese from Panera, sushi, beer cheese soup, chips and salsa, pancakes, and the cheesiest pizza imaginable. I have no idea why I am craving most of those foods.

When I was home last weekend, Kyle had some friends over. My mom loves to have food out whenever people are hanging out so she decided to whip up some chili and her famous (and my hands down, all-time favorite) red velvet cake. To make matters worse, she licked the batter covered mixing spoons within 2 feet of me. Let's just say she's lucky I love her as much as I do.

The craziest thing so far though was a dream I had the other night. In it I ordered a cheeseburger and large fry from McDonald's. (Side note: I never eat McDonald's. I can't even tell you the last time I was there.) Anyway, I ate the entire cheeseburger and most of the fries then started freaking out. I realized I had broke every rule of my diet and had no idea what to do! Panic and fear set in that I had ruined everything and that the radiation wouldn't work right. Thoughts raced through my head of what to do. Get sick? Drink gallons of water? Have my stomach pumped? I ran outside to a baseball game where my family was, and a nurse friend of ours advised me to go to the nearest drug store and buy the most intense laxative they carried. Next thing I knew I was awake and very confused. I couldn't figure out if I had been dreaming or if I actually ate McDonald's. After a couple of flustered minutes I came to my senses and was beyond relieved that it was just a dream. Disclaimer: Please don't judge me or my bizarre dream.

I had my final pre-treatment appointment today at the medical center. I had to pause and look twice when I read the words "Cancer Center" above the entryway. Not sure if it has really hit me yet. Everything is all set-up on their end to start treatment on Wednesday, February 1st. It's hard to believe the time is already here. I'm still putting the finishing touches on classes and everything else on my end, but again I just have to take it day by day...more realistically, hour by hour. For the most part, my teachers have all been very helpful. I also met with the Office of Disabilities on campus, as advised by a professor. They are such wonderful people to work with! It is nice having the University stand behind me in support of everything that is going on.

Happy Friday, everyone! Fill your weekend with the things that make you smile! xoxo

Pretty Girl Rock

Once again, my latest attempt at planning ahead (only one week in advance, mind you) failed. But this time, it's for good reason. On Friday I received an email from the University of Kansas Medical Center. It was inviting me to interview for a position in the 2012 entering class! I instantly let out a scream of excitement, but was quickly quieted as I continued reading to find that my visit is scheduled for February 8th:  aka isolation. My mind began racing as to how I could make this work. I immediately pulled up an old email from them with all of the potential interview dates. The only other options I have are tomorrow, Tuesday, or Wednesday. Obviously there is no way I can make it tomorrow, as I haven't even been able to discuss my situation with them. I could probably make Wednesday work, but would miss a quiz that cannot be made up. Tuesday would be "ideal". I just need to figure out a day later this week I can make up the microbiology lab I would miss, and get notes from a friend over the presentation a guest speaker is making in another class that day. Yet, I can't even officially plan any of this because I have no idea if KU is going to allow me to come this week. And there is always the chance every time slot is already full. Nonetheless the first thing I will be doing tomorrow is calling the listed contact and discussing my options. If all else fails, I'm envisioning a Skype session interview from the radioactive bedroom of yours truly.

Then when I begin to think past Wednesday, I remember I have a very important doctors appointment at the Med Center on Friday and will have to miss both classes that day as well. Yikes. It is safe to say my head was spinning all of Friday night, and the stress of everything that is going on was starting to show.

Fast forward to Sunday morning. There is just something about attending mass at your home parish with family. Every aspect seemed to hit me dead on. The Gospel reading was from Mark and was the story of Jesus telling the fishermen to abandon their nets and follow Him. Our priest spoke in his homily about how each day we are called to follow the Lord in some way. Despite that, we are either too busy, lack confidence, find better things to do, or tell ourselves we will get to it later. His challenge to us was to push everything aside and listen to how we are chosen. It was then I began to feel a sense of peace. I have so much going on, but essentially have no control over any of it. What better time to walk away from all of the nets I have casted and place every ounce of trust in God.

Music has always been a getaway of mine, and at mass we sang two of my favorite songs. Naturally the words sank a little deeper. A line from one is: Abba, Abba Father. You are the potter. And we are the clay. The work of your hands. I definitely try to have a very open mind about everything, and this was such a great comparison. Here I am anxiously waiting to see what the future holds, and its shape is in the hands of the most remarkable artist. I am so lucky!

The other song had these words: I will come to you in the silence. I will lift you from all your fear. You will hear my voice, I claim you as my choice. Be still, and know I am near. Do not be afraid I am with you. I have called you each by name. Come and follow me, I will lead you home. I love you, and you are mine. During this song, I realized how blessed I am. I was blindsided by everything in the beginning, but see it now that I was hand picked to embark on this adventure. I can't exactly tell you why though, at least not yet. Maybe having my theme song and ring tone set as "Pretty Girl Rock" by Keri Hilson (look up the lyrics) has made too much of an announcement to the world to "bring it on" because I'm obviously pretty awesome. (Just kidding, of course, about the last part!)

So here I am, still with my weekly planner adorned in tons of question marks. But I am honestly content. Yes, the next few days could be absolutely insane, and I know there will be moments of doubt, but I'll leave those times up to the Big Guy.

National Popcorn Day

It is safe to say I have an unhealthy addiction to popcorn. Normally popcorn is considered a healthy snack, however I definitely eat way too much for it to be considered anything near nutritious. As most of you know, it is standard for me to eat popcorn at least once a day. Oftentimes, I have it twice a day or it replaces an entire meal. When I make a trip home, my family usually has a fresh batch waiting for me when I walk in the door, and they get one ready for me to eat while driving back to school. My trips to Target always include a quick stop at the Cafe to buy a bag to eat while I shop, and I don't think I have ever attended a sporting event without buying popcorn from the concession stand. For Lent last year, I gave up eating popcorn. I'm ashamed to say it was a very difficult sacrifice. Waking up Easter morning to an Easter basket full of various kinds of popcorn was amazing! For my birthday this past November, my family bought me a special, giant, popcorn bowl. And on Christmas morning my dad and I received an old fashioned movie theater style popcorn machine. (It was all but 30 minutes and our house was filled with the smell of fresh popped, buttery goodness.)

Well it just so happens that today is National Popcorn Day! Any other year and I would be making endless batches of popcorn with all types of seasonings and eating so much that you would think a corn stalk might begin to grow inside me. But, not this year.

On Tuesday I began my Iodine-Free diet in preparation for my radiation treatment in a couple weeks. Unfortunately, popcorn does not make the cut. The list of foods I can eat is smaller than what I can't. Fresh fruits and vegetables, a little lean protein, a serving or two of whole grains, and unsalted nuts all are allowed. Anything that has sodium or comes out of a package or can is banned, along with all forms of dairy products. I knew living in a sorority house would make it difficult to prepare foods that I could actually eat, so I picked out a couple things from the cookbook I was given that sounded appealing. Monday afternoon my brother and I ventured to HyVee in search of the right ingredients. Needless to say, that was an adventure itself. Both of us had to stop and laugh numerous times because we had no idea where anything was and we were constantly making jokes about my new diet. That night with the help of my amazing mother, we prepared a couple things at home before I returned to school Tuesday morning. My grandmother also brought a couple things over that she had from the health food store to help out. So far it has been going well. But it is so easy to reach for something I can't have without thinking, so I have to slow down and be more aware. I haven't had much of an appetite lately either (shocking--I know), so I guess that has helped.

Another new thing is I attempted going to the gym today for the first time since the day before my surgery. I ordinarily work out 5 or 6 days a week, so going this long has caused me to go stir crazy! Now mom, I know you are shaking your head as you read this and probably aren't happy with me, but I assure you I was extra cautious! I only did a couple lower body machines because I know I still have upper body restrictions from surgery. And I only spent 30 minutes on the cardio equipment. I tried to use my favorite stair stepper machine, but it hardly took a minute to realize I didn't have enough strength to do that yet. Plus, I sanitized every system before and after I was done, used hand sanitizer so many times that I'm sure the people looking at me thought I was crazy, and avoided stretching on the mats that are sure to be full of germs and bacteria. Even though it was a wimpy work out, I can tell I will be sore tomorrow.

I guess I will close with asking you all to do me a big favor:  eat as much popcorn as you want today! If you need an excuse, say you're eating it for me because I obviously can't. (Even though it is very tempting to break the rules a little.) But instead I have decided I will be having my own National Popcorn Day in a month or so to make up for it. Have a wonderful day and pop on!

Welcome to Holland

On Saturday I attended the funeral of a young boy. Naturally it was very emotional and everything seemed so unfair. But in the midst of it all, it was a beautiful celebration of the exceptional life this boy lived each and every day. The priest who gave the homily is also the priest at the church my family has attended my entire life. He finished his sermon by reciting a poem that fit the situation perfectly, as this young boy was born with Down Syndrome. It is called "Welcome to Holland" by Emily Perl Kingsley.  I would like to share it with all of you now:

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel.  It's like this....

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy.  You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum.  The Michelangelo David.  The gondolas in Venice.  You may learn some handy phrases in Italian.  It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives.  You pack your bags and off you go.  Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy!  I'm supposed to be in Italy.  All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan.  They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease.  It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language.  And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It’s just a different place.  It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy.  But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips.  Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there.  And for the rest of your life, you will say, "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever  go away... because the loss of that dream is a very, very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

I went to lunch today with that priest at our favorite restaurant. As we were discussing all of the recent changes in my life, I randomly brought up his homily and complimented him on a job very well done. He proceeded to say, "Keri, that Holland poem is now your life too. You have always had so many plans and ideas for what the future would hold, and now things have changed." I thought about his words and knew he was right. I do not know how everything is going to work out with my classes. My doctors aren't sure if the cancer has spread or not, only time and the whole body scan will tell. I need to fit in a few more medical school interviews, but am not sure when I will have open time slots to make the trips. Then there's the thought of what if I am not accepted? And for the rest of my life, there is always the chance that the cancer will reappear. So I will need routine check-up's and tests. 

But if I think of what my life would have been like "in Italy", I will miss the beauty my life holds now "in Holland". The things that were once bright lights in my life have already began to fade. What matters most on my journey is the relationships I have with my loving family, unfailing friends, and of course my faith that God is in total control. My priest also compared this entire experience to my trip to Africa this past July. Before I left, I knew nobody else going, was supposed to just meet up with a local at the airport when I landed, travel each day to various villages to medically serve the poor, and live an entirely different life. Yet, I didn't have an ounce of fear. I just anxiously lived each day in excitement of what was going on at that very instant. He told me he sees me reflecting that same attitude with my new cancer adventure. I responded, "But sometimes I tear up at the most random times, and not because I am sad. I can't seem to figure out why it happens." He answered, "I can tell you are overwhelmed with the love and beauty you are seeing everywhere and in everyone in your life." He was right again.

So even in the last couple days I have learned more about myself. I am not living in the past, or thinking of what my future "should" hold. I am embracing the here and now and treasuring every moment. Life is a precious gift and Holland is a lovely place to be.