January 9th (today) marks the two year anniversary of my cancer diagnosis. That's 730 days. And that's one difficult thing to wrap my mind around. As cliché as it is, that day feels like yesterday. Every emotion, action, and response of family members and loved ones, is replaying in my mind like a broken record.
And honestly, I am a little frozen. (I'm going to blame the frigid wind outside for some of that.) I wish I had some sort of emotion to write of, but I sit here like a snowman. Round and present, but without true feeling. I came across a note sent to me by a sweet girl shortly after I was diagnosed. It is one I have re-read many times as reminder, and I feel it accurately reflects my journey the past two years:
A Woman of Strength
A strong woman works out every day to keep her body in shape...
but a woman of strength kneels in prayer to keep her soul in shape.
A strong woman isn't afraid of anything...
but a woman of strength shows courage in the midst of her fear.
A strong woman won't let anyone get the best of her...
but a woman of strength gives the best of her to everyone.
A strong woman makes mistakes and avoids the same in the future...
but woman of strength realizes life's mistakes can also be God's blessings and capitalizes on them.
A strong woman walks sure foetidly...
but a woman of strength knows God will catch her when she falls.
A strong woman wears the look of confidence on her face...
but a woman of strength wears grace.
A strong woman has faith that she is strong enough for the journey...
but a woman of strength has faith that it is in the journey that she will become strong.
And after reading that again today, I've created a list of things cancer has done, but also one in which cancer has not.
Cancer has:
- put my body through hell
- built a wall shielding me from others in fear
- questioned my confidence daily
- taught me lesson after lesson of mistakes made
- made my approach of situations one of caution and uncertainty
- forced a smile on my face because it's easier than the alternative
- tested my strength each and every day
Cancer has not:
- put my soul through hell, thanks to the power or prayer
- made relationships with loved ones crumble; yet, grown them to new heights
- taken my confidence, in that I find happiness in giving my best to everyone/everything daily
- diminished my hope; all those mistakes have been graces from above
- made me weak; instead, made me free to fall into God's hands, with certainty He will catch me
- removed the love in my heart or the reflection of joy and grace I face the world with each day
- ruined my journey; it has been such a wonderful blessing in disguise
So today, I am celebrating. Celebrating the strength I have been given and gratitude for the adventure. After a couple appointments back home over the holidays, it was decided I definitely need to see a thoracic oncologist for analysis of my large collection of scans and tests regarding my thymus. After returning from Mayo, the believed miracle lost its sparkle. Both radiology reports indicated "prominent thymus still present in anterior thyroid bed, particularly on the left, consistent with previous scans." Now you don't have to be a medical genius to know that no where in there did it say it "decreased in size" or "significantly shrank as compared to previous scans." Additionally, my endo/thyroid oncologist at Mayo was adamant about a certain medication I was on causing the enlargement. But after further thought, the timeline doesn't match up. My thymus was very much enlarged prior to taking that medication, any medication for that matter. The enlargement was seen shortly after radiation. A period when I had not been on medication for about 6 weeks. So, I have been in the waiting period again. January 17th is my appointment, and from there a decision will be made on the progression of our plan. Unfortunately, if surgery is indicated, I have absolutely no clue when that will take place. School is back in full force and the warnings from faculty are countless; this will be a rough go around.
But for now, I am celebrating. Two years or 730 days of strength. And that is a beautiful thing!
xoxo
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