Letting the Waves Settle

"She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her away, she adjusted her sails." -Elizabeth Edwards

Goodness it is good to write again. Since June, aka my last post, things have been a tad...crazy--in an absolutely stressful and wonderful way! If that makes any sense at all. From finishing school, preparing for and taking boards--all while packing to move to the very edge of the East coast--squeezing in any available time with loved ones, visits with all my doctors, a two day adventure across the country with my momma, one quick weekend to get adjusted before beginning my career, and then cramming as much dermatology into my brain as humanly possible to prep for now, when I have patients scheduling appointments to see me. I am finally at "now."

As I reflect back on the past 3 months, I can't help but feel a little lost. Where did all that time go? How in the world is my birthday in one week, which has always signaled the start of the holiday season? What all have I missed or forgotten to do? What I do know is that somehow I made it to the now, and it feels so dang good to take one long deep breath and simply enjoy the calming of the waves. Which speaking of waves, have I mentioned how unbelievable it is to live at the beach? To be honest, I am not entirely sure I could have made it to now without the help of ocean salts in my nose, the sand between my toes, and the calming effect of crashing waves. Free therapy at its finest. Visitors are always welcome ;)

With the "now" comes so much gratitude. My career in dermatology could not be off to a better start. I love every minute of my clinic days--yes, even the frustration that accompanies any medical field. I cannot tell you how many times I answer the question, "What in the world brought you all the way from Nebraska?!" And I smile. Because the simple answer is "the beach and this job opportunity." Which is true. But deep down it was the burning need to get away. To explore a new area. To admittedly, be selfish. And not selfish in a negative way, but in such a way that it was time to take care of myself a bit. To just breathe and enjoy the now.

But the past few days, I have really struggled. I am continually reminded at how undeservedly blessed I am. For example, a few thoughts that wage battle in my mind:  How is it that I am able to decide if red or white wine will be best with our Thanksgiving meal? Not the thought of if I'll even have food on the table. Or here I am leisurely sitting at a vineyard, listening to live music while sipping wine, with no fear of danger, while others are fleeing for their lives. What makes me so special to have such a supportive, God-loving, handsome man by my side? Instead of a terror that takes advantage of my gender. How did I end up with my dream job? Why did I have such a remarkable childhood, with loving family that I miss daily? And to be completely honest, it's simply not fair.

What I cannot seem to accept is why God gave me this life. I had absolutely zero control of who my mother and father were, the morals they would instill, the home to keep me warm. No control over the fact that I was born in a society where education is so readily available, allowing me to achieve my dreams. No control over my home country being one in which constant danger (in most cases) is not the norm. Where I am allowed to praise the One above all else without fear of death. And now, living in a town on the beach with new friends that quickly became family. Why was I given this life full of constant blessing? Because absolutely no one deserves to live in persecution, fear, horror, hardship, and pain. Yet, it is all over. Stories, daily, highlight the turmoil of this Earth. And I think that is where I have to give it all to Him. All the praise for this life I live. All the heartache I feel when I see what others must endure, yet initially had no control over when they entered this world. All the gratitude for what I have been given. And all the fears that may be.

Now not to be mistaken, I too have things I could complain about. But how awful of me to think that my problems are in any way worth feeling sorry for myself. Not going to happen. Instead, I insist on finding the good. Rejoicing in the beauty that surrounds me daily. And knowing that He gave it all.

May you each have a relaxing and joyous Thanksgiving, surrounded by the ones you love most. I pray you each feel as blessed as I do this holiday season.

All my love.
xoxo

They Say, "It's Just a Game."

They say, "It's just a game."

I dare you to speak those words to any one of the A&M baseball players today. Or even, any of their family members. I would be willing to bet, the reaction you would get would be nothing short of dumbfounded.

It starts at a young age. Little League dreamers. Never to be found without a bat and ball. Living for those nights under the lights. Entering the gates of the College World Series in June with wide eyes and excitement that would send any ball out of the park. And the only thing on their mind is the hope of one day playing for a National Championship, themselves.

Years pass by and suddenly they are putting on a jersey, with the name of their dream University embroidered across the front. The small crowds of parents and loved ones, turn into thousands cheering on their favorite school. Along with that comes the fact that you will either be their hero or talk of the town when you make a mistake. There is no middle ground. The love brings with it scrutiny. "You are paid in scholarships to succeed. It can't be that hard. Just hit the ball and throw strikes."

But there is so much more to the game fans watch on a Friday night. The "behind the scenes" that only family members and teammates truly understand. The 5:30am lifts followed by team conditioning. A packed academic schedule from 8am-1pm, followed by a long afternoon of practice. Quick dinner and then study hours. Repeat. 5 days a week. And obligations in the community on weekends. Otherwise, hopping on a plane or traveling by bus to take on the next opponent. Down time? It doesn't exist. (Trust me, it's hard enough just getting a phone call or Facetime session in once a week.) Off season? If you think intense Marine-led workouts and team scrimmages for starting spots, counts. But, "It's just a game."

Sacrifices are made by the families, too. The expense of traveling each weekend to cheer on your favorite players. Dealing with the press and publicity, along with small talk heard when the gossipers don't realize you are related to one of the players. The stress that naturally accompanies games, or the constant "what if" fear that they, God-forbid, would be injured. And then the losses. A pain that cannot be put into words. Especially the big ones. The season-ending, dream crushing, 16 inning, 6+ hour games, that come up just short of achieving the dream of playing in Omaha. Supposedly, "It's just a game."

Last night still stings. And I cannot even begin to speak for how those players are feeling today. Their raw posts on social media are heartbreaking. A season that ended too soon. It wasn't supposed to be that way. And yet, today they are left with making big time decisions about what to do with their careers. Accept the draft spot when the phone call comes (which you only have seconds to decide), or stay and put on that jersey for another year? While it is a great position to be in, it's one that I do not envy in the least. Come on, "It's just a game."

The hardest part of the loss last night, is the realization that I will never watch that same set of boys take the field together. Ask anyone, they were a special group. One with heart and class. Each a follower of Christ, playing for His glory. Their demeanor on the field was top notch, and off the field they were true gentlemen. Often rare, these days, amongst athletes. They gave it everything they had, and made myself and every other fan, as proud as we've ever been.

You see, it is not "just a game." It is a family, a community, a discipline, a glorification of the gifts they were given, an unbeatable bond, and memories that will last forever. Baseball has always held our family together through the good and bad. It has been our common ground when things are shaky. And I can promise you, it is so much more than "just a game."

To the Aggie baseball team, thank you. Thank you for your relentless effort and dedication. Thank you for the thrills. Keep your chins up. 

And to #14. I have told you once, and I will continue you tell you, how so incredibly proud and honored I am to call you my brother. This is only the beginning, bud. Keep dreaming. And trust His plan. I love you.

 ✖️⚾️✖️⚾️ 

Beauty Marks

Scar.

If you look it up in the dictionary you find:

scar  [skahr] 

  

noun

1.

a mark left by a healed wound, sore, or burn.

2.

a lasting aftereffect of trouble, especially a lasting psychological injury resulting from suffering or trauma.

3.

any blemish remaining as a trace of or resulting from injury or use.

I am sure many of you can quickly point to any number of physical scars on your body and take a walk down memory lane, retelling every detail of how that keloid (build-up of tissue) made its mark on your once flawless skin. Then there's those emotional scars that only you can truly feel. They leave their mark on your heart, only visible if you allow them to be.

Regardless of the type, each brings pain. In some situations, such as in the "traumatic boo-boo" experienced by a 3 year old, the pain lasts a mere 7 seconds before all is well. Others, however, take years to heal. And even then some do not truly disappear, you just adjust and accept things as they now are.

And regardless of the type, they are not what I would call "fun." (Unless of course you fought off a shark attacking your family while snorkeling in the Cayman Islands, and lived to tell your heroic story.) Personally, my scars aren't the most appealing to the general public. They are rough, some might call them a stroke of bad luck, carry with them a wide range of emotions, and are continually with me on a daily basis. Yet they make up exactly who I am.

This past January, I celebrated my 3 Year Cancerversary. I still cannot wrap my mind around that fact. January 9th, 2012 feels like yesterday. Every detail still clear as day. Yet so much has changed. And today marks the final day of my radiation treatment protocol that year, as well. Scars. Ever present.

But scars are beauty marks. They show character. Determination. Fight. Resillience. And strength. The best part? God loves them. Honestly! Not too long ago, I was listening to a sermon at church. We were told, "In the end, we will be judged by our scars." At first, it was puzzling. Why would our scars hold such a value? Especially when some could be self-inflicted by sin. But the more I thought, the more it made sense. Scars also require the trust of His plan. One of my favorite quotes by Mother Teresa is, "I know God will never give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much." Because no matter the circumstance, we will be given the gifts and blessings necessary to fulfill His plan for our lives. And what a beautiful sense of relief that provides!

With the turning of the new year, so much has been uncharted territory. Confusion about what to do with my current medications--as laboratory results continue to be puzzling, insurance uncertainties, ever-changing medical rotations, family struggles, the beginning steps of communication with a lost loved one, and the common fear of the unknown. And all of these situations can be attributed to some scar or another, or have created a new. But if I stop and surrender my life to His loving arms, I find peace within myself. And it is good.

Wishing you all a blessed start to 2015 and the prayer that you may come to see His continual gifts and blessings surrounding you daily.

xoxo

Below is picture of me in "isolation" post-radiation 3 years ago. 

It's funny--just today I was complaining about how much progress I need to make in a few areas and then one look at old photos and it puts it all into perspective. 

Oh the inside jokes associated with this! Laughter truly is the best medicine.