Immune System For Sale

I have to eat my words. I was wrong. Very wrong. And yes, I did just admit that I'm not always right. 

My sleep disorders specialist called on Thursday and revealed the results of my sleep study: 

"Keri, we have a serious problem here. You are extremely, extremely tired. You fell asleep each time you took a nap. (If you remember from my last post, I swore I didn't fall asleep once. And still to this day would bet big bucks I was awake the entire time!) Not only did you fall asleep, but you did so in an average of 2.5 minutes. On top of that, 4 of the 5 naps you went into REM sleep--the deepest sleep. So what all of this means is that you have a disease called narcolepsy."

Say what?!?!

"Based on your history of autoimmune diseases (Hashimoto's Thyroiditis and Celiac's), your symptoms, and failure of the sleep study, it all makes sense. So what we do is start you on Nuvigil. It's the Riddalin of the 21st century without the side effects. (What big whig CEO's and shift workers use.) Nothing can cure narcolepsy, but the symptoms are treated through medication to hopefully bring relief."

I was shocked. Totally stunned. And then scared. Thoughts flooded my head: I don't want to be on that type of medication! What about still needing to straighten out my thyroid meds? Will that make a difference? What almost 23 year old is diagnosed with thyroid cancer, celiac's, and narcolepsy all in a matter of 8 months? I'm officially a FREAK!

After this weird "dream" ended and I got a grip on the situation, I went into medicine mode. I read countless studies, experiments from Stanford, publications in the New England Journal of Medicine, and reviewed research conducted by inhumanely smart Chinese scientists.

In a nutshell (and a language we all can understand) this is what I gathered: 

Narcolepsy is a rare sleep disorder causing excessive daytime sleepiness, symptoms of abnormal rapid eye movement (REM) sleep, disrupted nocturnal sleep, and cataplexy. Not much is known about the disease, but in recent years there has been more evidence confirming it to be autoimmune related. As with all autoimmune diseases, your immune system mistakenly attacks and destroys healthy body tissues. Additionally, I was told in high school when I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's that once you have one AI disease, you're very likely to have two, if not 3 at some point in your life. While that isn't true for everyone, clearly I have reached "two's company, three's a crowd," status. Yippe! Ha. 

But back to being a Narc ;) The disease comes from a lack of hypocretin--a hormone that promotes wakefulness. In narcoleptic patients, they are missing the brain cells that produce this hormone. Recent studies are showing a link between narcolepsy and a variant for the HLA (human leukocyte antigen) gene. This HLA gene is what our immune system uses to differentiate between our own cells and foreign cells. Because of this variant, my body is attacking those 10,000-20,000 hypocretin producing cells, out of the billions of cells in my brain, leading to the autoimmune disease. And interestingly enough, I found in my studies that the HLA markers for Celiac's and Narcolepsy are almost identical, leading to more evidence for my diagnosis. 

Are you lost? If not, congrats! That is a lot of science to comprehend. I eventually stopped researching because it was leading to studies about relating Narcolepsy to coming down with other neural degenerative diseases like Alzheimer's, at an earlier age. At that point, I decided I'd had enough of trying to figure myself out. It was easy for a little bit to feel sorry for myself and wonder why it was all happening to me, and allowing panic to set in about all the "fun" I have to look forward to as I grow older. But after a few days, it all began to clear. 

If these are the 3 AI diseases I'm being handed, then in my opinion I'm blessed. There are over 90 autoimmune diseases, and some are absolutely terrible compared to the 3 I have. None can be cured. Only the symptoms can be managed. But I can think of tons of situations that are far worse than my own. I also know that I have been given the strength to handle this new situation. God won't leave me hanging. Plus, hopefully by the time I reach the senior citizen discount, there will be major medical advancements allowing me to regenerate/clean my immune system. Studies are currently in the works! 

Now for a little dose of good news. My healthy diet already supports immune health. Also, I have a big appointment on Tuesday at RedLine pharmacy to review the full hormone panel I went through a couple weeks ago. I have major expectations. I've heard wonderful success stories about regaining control of the crazy world of hormones and can only hope I have the same results. More about that later this week. 

So. With all of that being said. Who want's to switch immune systems???

Now, I'm off to sleep ;) 

(Not So) Sleeping Beauty

Hellooooo!

Since my last post in July, not much has changed. Which in some ways is good, but most ways it's been adding to my long list of frustrations. At my last big appointment in July, things cancer-wise were stable. No tumor markers were present in my blood work. The spots in my lungs were not scanned and I believe that's on the agenda for my appointment towards the end of this month. Let's just say if they aren't, soon after I talk with my doctor they will be. I requested all of my records in July and am not comfortable with "indescribable" as the word choice noting the spots. Hopefully we can pinpoint those a little better in the near future.

As for why I'm so frustrated:  I am still very fatigued, along with every other low-thyroid symptom under the sun. It's no surprise though that my doctor wants to sllllllllowly inch along and continually has me wait 6 more weeks to see if things change. (For the record, they haven't for the last 8 months!) On top of that, she advised me to see a sleep disorders specialist. I should've refused right then and there. But I consented and met with the very nice man at the med center in August. He completely agreed with me in that he thinks my problem lies with not enough supplementation of medication/thyroid related. However, he thought it would be best for me to go through with a full blown sleep study to prove it to my doctor. Which brings me to the title of this post.

When discussing what all a sleep study would entail, it didn't sound all that bad. 24 hours in the hospital. DVD player. A chance to catch up on some reading. No obligations. And best of all, lots of sleeping! Little did I know it would be absolutely nothing like I had imagined...

I checked-in Monday evening and immediately was uncomfortable. Yes, I had a private room like they promised, but cameras and an intercom were staged around the room, and right outside my door sat the desk with computers where the nurses kept a watchful eye on me. I was told they would "put me to bed" around 11pm but preparation would start at 10pm as it took 45 minutes to hook me up. Thankfully Monday Night Football was on to keep me occupied. When it was time to set everything up, I was in shock at what all they pulled out of the closet. They were not lying about the 45 minutes. In the end I had 10 electrodes glued to my head, 8 on my face, 4 on my chest monitoring my heart, 3 on each leg, a couple on my fingers, 1 band around my chest, and 1 band around my abdomen. Oh, and an oxygen tube in my nose circling my ears. Phew! I had the nurse take a picture of me, but absolutely will never ever show it to anyone. Unless you're willing to pay me. (I was no sleeping beauty.)

Then it was time for bed. Except I had no idea how I was supposed to sleep hooked into the wall and knowing I was being watched. That was probably the closest I'll ever come to being a fish in a bowl. Actually, more like a poor mouse being used for research. Once I was helped into bed, the nurse left and began to speak to me through the intercom. The wires needed to be calibrated. This was the process: stare at the ceiling, now close your eyes but don't fall asleep, look up towards the head board and down at your feet multiple times, look left and right multiple times, blink quickly 10 times, swallow, grind your teeth, and make a snoring noise. That alone was a task.

I honestly slept okay, until they woke me up at 6am. So much for the recommendation to get 9 hours of sleep each night. My breakfast came shortly after. I had to pre-order my meals the night before. At that time the food sounded pretty good. But when it arrived, I instantly lost my appetite. I attempted to eat some of it but couldn't do it. Then it was time for my nap study. At 8am, 10am, 12pm, 2pm, and 4pm they would be coming in to put me down for a nap. I knew there was no way I was going to be able to take that many naps in one day. But, again I was fooled. I didn't actually even get to take one nap the entire day! A little before each hour mark they came in and helped me back into bed (still all hooked up). Next we repeated the calibration process. Finally I was instructed to try and fall asleep and to resist the urge to stay awake. The first session I was still tired from a long, but fun, weekend in addition to an awkward night of sleep prior, so I think I did fall asleep. But, before I knew it my nurse came in and flipped on the lights! She said, "Keri, your nap is over. It's time to get out of bed." I checked my phone. It had only been 23 minutes! I was confused. At 10am, the exact same thing happened. Finally after the noon session (18 minutes this time) I asked if I was ever going to be able to take a real nap. I was quickly told, no. What a joke! I thought this was supposed to be a sleep study. My frustration was quickly growing, and I tried to keep my annoyed sense hidden but it was tough. I did apologize a couple times to the nurses stating that I just couldn't understand why I was having to go through all of this. I also asked if I was "failing". Her response was, "That's a really great question. But I'm not allowed to answer that. I have a very good idea though." Ughhhh. Get me out of here! Finally the entire evaluation was over. Praise the Lord! I was mentally and physically exhausted. And to top it off I felt sick. But I was done and ready to hit the road for home. And as my lovely souvenir, I had rashes on my face, neck, and chest from the lovely tape they used. Along with thick globs of glue in my hair. Again, no sleeping beauty.

Within the next week I will be hearing from my doctor about how it all went. In my mind, I am still certain that everything is thyroid related and I do not have a sleep disorder. And I cannot wait to thank my doctor for her "wonderful" suggestion. I think I'm going to have a hard time keeping the sarcasm out of my voice at my next appointment.

I slept for 13 hours straight last night. Obviously I know how to sleep just fine. So in the end, instead of it being a nice little getaway to lala land for 24 hours, it was an exhausting, stressful, and annoying evaluation. All I wanted was to be Sleeping Beauty, who in the morning would be awoken by a sweet kiss from Prince Charming himself.

I guess I'll keep dreaming...

Change of Plans

Hello again!!!

Wow. I had to look twice at the date of my last post. April?!? I have been telling myself for weeks that I need to write an update, but apparently life has taken over and that has not happened. So, before I get into recent details I thought I would recap the last couple months:

May: 

• I turned in my completed Honors Thesis, which was the final requirement of the Honors Program.
• I received a random email from KETV News out of Omaha during finals week instructing me to call them. Long story short they had caught wind of my story from a buzz sent by University officials across campus and asked if I would be willing to let them do a news story about my crazy semester. I agreed and they asked if I could be ready that evening! I still had a final left and had been nannying all day. So instead on Friday morning at 7:30am, they met me at the Campus Rec Center and started the series of interviews. I'm sure most of you have seen it by now as my Facebook wall exploded once it was aired. But if not, here is the link to the clip. (Note: I debated awhile about if I should share it or not. I am still embarrassed every time I watch it!)
•  KETV News Clip
• I was handed my diploma! Afterwards I had a party at a hotel in town. It worked perfectly because my cousin got married that night and all of my family had rooms reserved. Thank you again to everyone who came by! It was great to see each of you. 
• My "little" brother graduated from high school! I could not be more proud of the person he has grown to be and am even more excited for what lies ahead as he begins his college baseball career this Fall.
• I started my job working for two ophthalmologists in town. It is my 3rd summer there and I absolutely love it!
• My cousin in Washington D.C. chose me to be his Confirmation Sponsor. I was beyond honored and had a wonderful trip to the East coast. Time with family never gets old. 
• Kyle's Legion baseball team began games during Memorial weekend. I figured I have played/watched more baseball games in my life than any other thing I have done, and I wouldn't have it any other way!

June: 

• I started to really crack down on studying for the MCAT. The test is 2 weeks away and words cannot describe how afraid I am! 
• Each year one of the highlights of my summer is time at the College World Series. This year was no exception. I got away for a few days and spent lots of time downtown tailgating, attending games, hanging out with family and friends, and enjoying time by the pool at my aunt & uncle's house. I was cheering for Arkansas as I am a Dave Van Horn fan, but after they lost my loyalty was for the Wildcats of Arizona! Sorry South Carolina, no 3-peat. 
• And of course, countless Legion baseball games and tournaments. 

July: 

• Happy July! The 4th is my favorite holiday. There's just something about fireworks, friends, family, grilling out, drinks, and relaxing in the summer heat. 

So there you have it. A very brief recap of my life since my last posting. Now for the specifics. A lot of people have been asking me how I have been feeling lately. More than anything I wish I could say that I was as good as new! But that is not the case. My energy levels are still pathetic and I do not have my stamina back. I have been working out 5-6 days a week alternating between cardio, strength training, intervals, and performance workouts, all while watching everything I put into my mouth, but I am still struggling. (And this is all while being on a gluten free diet for over 3 months. No desserts, breads, pastas, etc.) I've been tempted to walk around with a sign around my neck that says, "Please don't judge. I swear I don't sit on the couch and eat junk food all day." But that would draw even more attention than I am already getting from the adorable white "spot" circling my scar from endless amounts of sunscreen and a brown tan surrounding it. One little boy asked me if I had been scratched by a cat because thats what his arm looks like when his cat scratches him. It was the cutest thing and I couldn't help but laugh!

There was a point in June when I decided enough was enough and called my doctor. She agreed that some blood tests would be a good idea. I was ecstatic when she called back and told me she wanted to adjust my dosage! However, it wasn't but 5 seconds later she told me she was going to DECREASE the amount of medicine I was taking. Talk about going from the highest high to the lowest low. After we talked and reviewed my symptoms more in-depth, she agreed that it would probably be best to stay where I was for the time being. Thank goodness. But at the same time, this has raised some suspicion. My lab values are indicating that I should be feeling great and instead my symptoms are the exact opposite. It's basically a déjà vu of Fall 2011. That's when we later found out it was the cancer causing the imbalance. So, for now I just wait. My big 6 month appointment is at the very end of this month, and at that time we will find out if there is more going on than we are unaware of at the moment. But none of this scares me in the least bit. I'm just so frustrated and had thought I would be feeling "normal" by now. 

There are so many reasons I love my job, but one of the main ones is that each day I am reminded of how unbelievably lucky I am. All of the patients come in with different stories of struggle, heartache, and hardships that continually put what I am going through into perspective. Now don't get me wrong, I would have never chosen to be diagnosed with cancer, but as I have said before, there are hundreds of things that I am not facing that make me grateful. So on that note, here is my mini lecture for the day: Please, please, please take care of yourself. How complicated our bodies are is mind-blowing and it's so important to take preventative measures before it's too late. Go for daily walks, start an exercise plan, add more fruits and veggies to your diet, stop smoking, and decrease the stressors in your life. Trust me, you will thank yourself in 30 years when you don't have a current medications list that is 2 pages long and you are healthy enough to spend time with your grandkids. 

Many of you have been asking me when the big moving day is. Well, that is something that has changed in the last couple weeks or so. Just a few days ago I turned down job offers in both California and Arizona. Yes, you read that correctly. I will NOT be moving come August. This is something that has been heavily on my mind lately and the decision was not an easy one to make. It all started when my grandma fell again in the middle of the night last weekend. This is unfortunately becoming a common occurrence, and each time it happens the tug it makes on my heart becomes a little more painful. Doctors are thinking she has multi infarct dementia. It was then I started to re-evaluate my options. To make a long story short, I would absolutely love to adventure out and explore an entirely new area of the country for a year. But at the end of the day, time with my grandmother (and other family members) means more to me than waking up in wine country each day. I have finally accepted that her days are numbered and it kills me. There are a lot glamorous "pros" to moving away, but I can also say with complete certainty that I will never regret spending this precious time making memories with my grandma. Moving is something that can wait. This can't. Plus, I am happy here. I have my entire support team close by, a job I love and can't wait to continue, and the amount of money I will be saving is unreal. By staying here I will actually be able to go do more things and have greater flexibility than if I would move. Additionally, the fact that I spent only 2 weekends in Lincoln the entire semester means that I didn't really get to spend time with all of my best friends here. Now I can make up for all that lost time!

Of course, it would be un-Keri-like to just stop there. The stipulation I made if I stayed was that I will be traveling to Kenya, Africa after the first of the year (probably around February, once the medical school situation is all figured out) to spend a minimum of 2 months living with a host family and serving as a medical intern in the local hospitals and clinics. If only you knew how excited I already am to return to Africa! It has been my dream to go back since the day I landed on US ground a little over a year ago after my first trip to Ghana. I spoke with a pre-nursing student who did what I am going to do, and she told me that after a week in the maternity ward she was delivering babies! In the rural areas of Kenya the doctor/patient ratio is about 1/85,000. Clearly they are in desperate need of care and compassion and it is my plan to do just that. The stories she shared with me are so incredible. And after looking through my pictures and watching the video of my trip last summer, I know in my heart this is exactly what I want to do. 

Whew. I think that is all. Well, for now at least. I know I could go on and on about various things I mentioned but this post is already way too long. I will say that even though I had everything planned and ready to move, it's funny how God somehow always finds a way to guide me in His direction, whether or not it is what I had in mind. It's the perfect reminder that He has plans for me far greater than what I could ever dream of, as long as I'm willing to follow! 

I hope you all have a wonderful 4th of July! Blow stuff up, buy a box of snaps just to feel like a little kid again, marvel over at least one fireworks show, celebrate with friends and family, and God Bless America!

xoxo

Almost A Great Day

I woke up yesterday and my stomach dropped. I realized it was Wednesday, the day my phone needed to be glued to my hand in preparation for the call from my doctor. Up until that moment I honestly had not thought much about it. Then just as I was about to enter my microbiology class, it rang.

Everything came back good! Side note: I promise I meant to post yesterday, but my 30 minute afternoon nap unintentionally turned into a 3 hour one. Then my evening was consumed with studying for an exam I had this morning. Anyway, the tumor markers were still not present. Meaning: either the radiation is doing a good enough job right now of attacking the cancer, or the cancer has not spread to the areas that appeared on the scan. My blood glucose and A1C were in the normal range. Vitamin D and calcium came back decent. And my thyroid medicine is normal as well. So, all very good things. 

While we were both excited, she sensed I was probably a little disappointed with the thyroid medicine results because I am still not feeling the best. And yes, I am a little bummed out. But I told her I need to keep reminding myself that I am only 3 months post-surgery and 2 months out from radiation and it is still fighting inside me. She agreed. Both of those things have caused my body to be totally thrown out of whack, which is going to require patience on my part. I would love a quick fix and be back to "normal" but in reality that is not possible. Time is the only thing that will straighten all of this out. 

All of this means that I am in the clear until July!! I have 3 whole months until I have to report back for an ultrasound, possible scans, blood work, and check-ups with all of the doctors. That will be the big 6 month check. Thank goodness because every weekend from now until the end of May has at least one thing marked down in my planner. 

But while all of that was a relief, it wouldn't make sense for my day to end with good news. I called my mom right after I spoke with my doctor and I could sense something was wrong. I told her my news and she was happy, but then proceeded to say that she was sitting in the emergency room with all of her sisters. My grandma had fallen that morning and hit the back of her head. She was waiting to tell me because she knew I probably had enough on my mind. After a few scans, it was determined that she has a slow, internal brain bleed and was transferred to ICU. Vitamin K was being pumped through to aid in clotting and the Coumadin she is on was being flushed out because it thins the blood. As of right now she is still in ICU for observation and is doing well. They have the bleed under control and see no reason to perform surgery. Thank the Lord! My grandma has been through enough. She had 8 children, is a colon cancer survivor of 20+ years, suffered a stroke about 6 years ago on Christmas Eve, broke her hip a year later on New Year's Eve, two summers ago had a subdural hematoma and brain surgery was performed to put in a shunt, months of intense therapy, random TIA's, and now this. After her brain surgery the doctor told her she could not do three things: fall, fall or fall. So each time something happens, our hearts skip a beat because if one little thing goes wrong, that could be it. 

Obviously my grandma is one tough lady. After hearing the news yesterday, my trip home tomorrow for Easter cannot come soon enough. My heart aches so badly for her. The first thing I am going to do is drive straight to the hospital and put a smile on her face.

I hope you all have a wonderful and blessed Easter with loved ones. Saturday night we are celebrating my other grandma and dad's birthdays, and my uncle is coming home to say Easter Sunday mass at our parish, followed by brunch at our house. 

As for every other hour of the day starting today thru Sunday afternoon, I will be camped out by the television watching coverage of The Masters golf tournament. I of course stocked up on cans of Zero Calorie Arnold Palmer's from the store to enjoy. (Google them. Then go buy one. Seriously the best drink ever made!) I would love to see Rory and Tiger head to head in the final round. Also, I officially decided I will be in attendance next year. I don't know how much longer I can take just watching it on TV! Everything about the tournament is perfect: colors, course condition, flowers, music, roars of the crowd, the beauty everywhere of everything, intensity of each stroke, and the celebration of the legends who changed the face of golf. 

Thank you all again for the prayers and support! They have definitely been working.  

Mom's Day

Every year my sorority hosts a Mom's Day. All of the moms are invited down for a lunch and then some sort of activity. This year, an old theater in town was rented out for us and we watched the classic movie Now & Then. It's tradition for the seniors to put together a little speech and gift for their moms and then present it in front of everyone. I thought I would share my note with all of you as well. While I may be the star of this recent crazy adventure, my mom has definitely been the producer behind the scenes. Without her, my performance would not be possible. So here's to you, mom:

A love letter to my beautiful mother:

Plain and simple, you are the most giving and forgiving person I have ever met. From the moment I was born, you began to make sacrifices. Majority of the details I will never come to know, but that is not what is important. What is, is the knowledge that you gave your all to make things work.

From what I can remember and the numerous pictures in albums, my toddler years were full of long walks, hours upon hours on the swing set, arts and crafts, trips to children’s museums, and always the best birthday parties. Whenever I wanted to play, you dropped what you were doing and joined.

Then it was time to send me off to Kindergarten. Which also meant for the next 13 years, until the day I graduated from high school, you would make time in your morning rush to pack me a lunch because I was too picky to eat anything at the schools. And of course, I didn’t like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, or any type of sandwich for that matter (except the occasional cheese and butter). I remember you saying it was always a struggle for you to find enough things to fill my lunch bag. But you never failed. Each day I couldn’t wait to see what you had packed. And the cute notes you would surprise me with every once in awhile were the perfect touch.

The family move to South Dakota during middle school took a toll on each one of us in the family. You gave me that pretty birthstone ring for my 13^th birthday just a few weeks before the move. Instead of being grateful, I screamed and yelled how much I hated it, and I’m pretty sure I threw it at you. Yet, you understood it was nothing personal and forgave me. You stayed strong through it all. Numerous times you went out of your comfort zone to be sure that Kyle and I were involved in various activities and meeting new people. When I was homesick for Nebraska, you would hop in the car, without hesitation, and make the 5-hour trek back or meet grandma and grandpa halfway. Your positive attitude never faltered.

High school was full of new experiences and you were there every step of the way. I could always count on you to be at every important event. Even if it was just that my class was in charge of mass at school that week, you would go in late to work just to be there. When things were stressful because I packed way too much into my schedule, and I took my frustration out on some small thing you did, you forgave me. One of your famous lines is, “Take things one day, one hour, or even on minute at a time.” It is something you still continually remind me of, and it is always exactly what I need to hear. Those years were also full of allowing yourself to trust me while I went out and explored new things. And even though I told you constantly to “just trust me,” I see now looking back that you did more than I probably deserved. I say that not because I was making bad choices, but because now that I am older and Kyle is going through all of that, I am definitely the over-protective sister and have a small scale sense of the uneasiness you must have felt oh so many times as I walked out the door.

The day I moved into the dorms for the first time feels like yesterday. I could go on for days about the moments you have given me so much in the past four years. For example my laundry comes with me every time I’m home, and somehow it always ends up clean, folded, and ready to go when I leave to head back to school. Included is always a goodie bag of munchies to get me through the week. When I called crying because a physics or organic chemistry exam had just completely dominated me, you assured me everything would still work out. And it always did.

But more importantly than anything I have ever dealt with in the past 22 years of my life, is what I am going through right now. When I called each day last semester and you asked how I felt, I began to sound like a broken record. It was the motherly instinct in you that knew something was wrong. You were the one who demanded an ultrasound because your little girl just wasn’t quite right. Sure enough, your persistence was something that quite possibly could have saved my life.

They say cancer changes you. And it does. But more than anything, I have seen it change the lives of people around me. Especially, you mom. The hours and hours we have spent in waiting rooms, the time you have taken off from work to be by my side, spending your weekends preparing iodine-free food for me to take back to school, patience when my hormones have gotten the best of me on several occasions, telling me it’s okay to cry and not know why, and letting me invade your closet because the clothes in mine don’t fit (thank goodness you have great style). But what I want to thank you most for, is passing down your constant strength and unfailing faith in God.

People ask me how I am so optimistic and accepting of all that is happening to me. The answer is that I have grown up with the best angel of grace and somehow got lucky enough to call her “mom”.

We have no idea how this will all end up. But you and I both know that everything will work out. Because as you always say, we must “Let go and let God.”

Finally, I want you to know how much your support and encouragement of my big move to California means to me. Being 2,000 miles away will totally stink. Especially when we have been inseparable the past few months. But we will still continue to talk everyday and I can promise you, the trips out to see me will be so unbelievable it will make up for the times we are apart. However, I have a lot to learn this summer before I leave. Number one being how to do laundry correctly!

I love you to the moon and back. Never forget that. Always and forever my mommy you’ll be.

xoxo,

your Keri Ellen

After I read her the letter, I presented her with a book titled, "Mom's Make the Best Friends". It is full of little reasons why a mother is also a best friend. Our personal favorite was the page stating: She buys a giant bag of popcorn at the movies...whether or not we have just eaten a meal. It fits us perfectly. I then gave her a card. It was her invitation to spend an entire day with me down at the College World Series this June. I also noted that sun tans, lots of laughs, fun tailgates, and cute baseball boys were included.

After the movie this afternoon, we ran a couple errands, shared a little dinner, and picked beautiful lilacs on campus for her to take home. The smell is her all time favorite. It was our last, official Gamma Phi Beta Mom's Day, but I reassured her that there would be many more mother/daughter days to come. Especially when she flies out to visit me in California.

If you haven't told your mom how much she means to you lately, you should. My mom and I's time together today definitely warmed our hearts and filled them with love. She is the best. So again, thanks mom. I love you.

Inconclusive

inconclusive |ˌinkənˈklo͞osiv, ˌiNG-| adjective;not leading to a firm conclusion; not ending doubt or dispute: the medical evidence is inconclusive.synonyms: indecisive, proving nothing; indefinite, proving nothing, indeterminate, unresolved, unproved, unsettled, still open to question/doubt, debatable, unconfirmed; moot; vague, ambiguous; informal: up in the air, left hanging. 
That definition came directly from the dictionary on my laptop. And basically sums up my day.

I am going to warn you this post might be short and generic. I'm exhausted. My mom and I just got home about 20 minutes ago and I can't wait to crawl into my bed.

But here is the update:

The CAT scan showed uptake in the thymus region again. There were also a couple spots on my lungs. The doctor informed me that if all of us had a scan, we would probably have a spot show up on our lungs just due to the air we breathe, having a fungus travel around in it. So we are not sure what the spots are caused by. Both areas did not have any tumor markers show up. That is a good sign. Basically the results mean one of two things:  1. The areas are taking up the radiation randomly and nothing is wrong, or 2. The cancer has spread to one or both areas and the tumor markers are not showing up because the radiation is already attacking the cancer, masking the markers from appearing on the scan. My doctor said she really wished she could have reported that everything was negative and I was good to go. But that was not the case. To determine for sure what is going on, we have to wait for my lab results to come back next Wednesday. If my thyroglobulin is elevated, then it's a very reliable sign that the cancer is present elsewhere and another, more specific, scan will be ordered to take an even closer look. If the results are normal, then the next step is to wait until my appointment in July for an ultrasound and repeat of my labs to determine if the cancer has stayed away/suppressed. That will be the 6 month mark, which is the big milestone for the type of cancer I have.

So as you can see, inconclusive results have struck again. From Day 1 that has been the trend. My original ultrasound was vague, so I needed a biopsy. Those results were "iffy" and I was told I could wait a year for a re-check or be aggressive. Obviously I took the aggressive route and am grateful everyday for that decision. Before surgery they were very certain I did not have cancer. Clearly that quickly changed. Then it appeared my margins were free. Nope. It had started to break through the gland so radiation was ordered. And now here we are. While today's news was not bad, it really was not anything I didn't already know. So, I am waiting. I have no fear either way of the results to come on Wednesday. I just want a definitive answer. Something black and white.

If there was anything I took from today it was that I am blessed. When I check into multiple cancer center areas at hospitals, I am surrounded by people fighting a battle tougher than my own. We caught this early. There is a very successful treatment option available. And I am going to live. So while there are many things I am frustrated and upset about, if I sit back and look at the broad scope of what is going on, it gives me strength. This is a small part of my life. I am anxious for the day I can look back and celebrate that I came out on top.

After everything was over, my mom and I were able to spend time with my little cousins. We played outside in the beautiful weather, spent time on the swing-set (which is one of my all-time favorite things to do), and went to dinner. They are so precious and never cease to put a smile on my face. Each one already has plans to take a trip out to California to spend time with "my favorite cousin, KK!" It was the perfect way to end a monotonous day.

Have a wonderful weekend and be sure to enjoy the gorgeous weather!

xoxo

California Dreamin'

Hello!

No worries, I am still alive ;) and all is well. I realize it has been forever since I last posted. It's partly because so much of my time has been consumed with catching up at school and getting things done that I wasn't able to do during treatment. But also because I was kind of intentionally waiting until this week to post again in anticipation for Friday. Tomorrow March 30th, marks my big appointment day. I start with a CAT Scan, then have blood work, meet with the oncologist/endocrinologist, see the nuclear med team, and wrap up the day with my surgeon. Once again, thank the Lord for health insurance. The CAT Scan will determine if the cancer has actually spread to my thymus gland between my lungs or if it appeared on the last scan as a fluke. If it has, my guess is the plan would be to have surgery and then another round of radiation. Time will soon tell, and either way I am not worried in the least bit. The only thing I'm a little concerned about is my claustrophobia during the scan. I'll just have to come up with some great thoughts to keep my mind racing and my eyes closed. It worked last time!

Many people have asked how I have been feeling. I wish I could say that I'm back to normal. However that is not the case. There are still good and bad days. My stamina is pitiful.  Numerous times simply going up a flight of stairs causes me to get out of breath and I have to sit down. I've been to a couple fitness classes and each time it's a reminder of how weak my muscles have gotten and that I am essentially starting from scratch with getting into shape. I was thinking yesterday as I was on the cardio machine that just 5 months ago I ran 13.1 miles in the hills of San Francisco--and I was sick but didn't know it. It serves as good motivation, but also bums me out because I would love to be able to run more than a single, measly mile at that pace today.

Another thing I have been battling is a problem with gluten. This is something I have known for a while but it seems to have gotten worse lately. When you have one autoimmune disease (Hashimoto's Thyroidits in my case) you are very susceptible to another one. There are hundreds of possibilities, but Celiac's Disease is a common one. Celiac's means you have an intolerance to the gluten found in all wheat products, and eating it destroys the epithelial cells of your intestine. To determine if I have it for sure, they would have to do a small bowel biopsy because of course, my blood work came back inconclusive. So for now I have been on a gluten free diet for almost two weeks and have noticed a significant difference in symptoms. I have also had a few low blood sugar "attacks" lately. All of the symptoms of hypoglycemia present themselves (rapid heart rate, clammy palms, light headed, confusion, shakiness, etc.) and I can cure it by eating a few pieces of candy. Some days I notice a ketoacidosis taste in my mouth as well. This is another sign, along with the hypoglycemia, that it could be type 1 diabetes--another autoimmune disease. I haven't told the doctor about this yet, but I'm going to fast Friday morning so when I do tell them that they can run an A1C and glucose test to rule that out. I'm praying that those symptoms are because my medication needs to be adjusted to a higher dosage, and that it is not diabetes.

But enough of that stuff...on to something exciting.

I am officially moving to California!!!!

I have always said my back-up plan for a gap year before medical school would be to spend quite a few months in Africa or move to Wine Country and live with my best friend. As much as I would absolutely love to go to Africa, the timing just isn't right. This fall I will need reliable internet access to fill out secondary applications and the easy ability to fly back and forth for interviews. Both are unfortunately not possible in Kenya. So the plan is to move back home after graduation for the summer, continue the job I love working for two ophthalmologists, watch my brother dominate on the diamond, take the wonderful MCAT in July, and spend free time with family and loved ones. Then in early August I will pack up and head west on I-80.

Finding a job was the first thing I knew I needed to line up. Already, I have wonderful leads with two groups of ophthalmologists in the North Bay area. They are both anxious to meet me and want to make something work! The knowledge I will acquire from all of the doctors will be priceless. And to remind you all how small of a world we live in, the first office I called, the manager informed me that she is from Wayne. Crazy, right? It gets better. The second office told me they love hiring students waiting a year to go to nursing or medical school and that one of the surgeons was an All-American gymnast here at the University and then spent some time in the Olympics. Unbelievable. Clearly this is all part of God's plan. It's not just by chance that you randomly look up ophthalmologists, call their office inquiring about working for them (they had no job postings), send your requested resume, find out you are all connected in some way, and then end the conversation being told there's a great chance they will have a job for you! When all of that happened, I was left speechless.

Now I should say that not a day goes by that I don't think about starting medical school this fall. It still hurts. But in the mess of everything that is going on, I feel like I finally have a sense of clarity in one area of my life. When my friend and I went on a hike out in California a few weeks ago, we were standing there overlooking the ocean. I remember thinking to myself that I needed to see that for more than just a few days. The moment was perfect. It was then I decided a move might be exactly what I need.

The way I see it, God has given me one year to do whatever I desire. Time to get healthy, release some stress, and figure out what "normal" feels like (if that's possible). Having the option to go to the beach, spend a day in the city, wake up surrounded by vineyards, take a trip to Tahoe, explore the gold coast, make memories with my best friend, attend MLB games, cheer on my Broncos from Oakland (as long as I don't get beat up by those psycho fans), and the chance to experience an entirely different part of this country, will be remarkable. Before cancer, taking a year off before starting medical school was a thought I couldn't stand. But things have drastically changed. I have worked tirelessly for the past 5 years to make my dream of becoming a physician a reality. That was crumbled with a simple letter in the mail and only 2 more points on a standardized test. And since high school I have maintained a healthy lifestyle through good nutrition and exercise. Yet even so, at the age of 22 I was diagnosed with cancer. Now please note that in no way do I want sympathy or pity. This is all a beautiful blessing in disguise. Instead of being 31 when I finish medical school and residency, I will now be 32, and filled with memories from a year of new adventures. I have been given a chance to just be Keri, and to live life to the fullest. And to be honest, I am one happy girl.

As I have always said, everything happens for a reason. And the saying, "If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him your plans," could not be more fitting for my life. It seems as though my adventure has only just begun. And who knows, maybe I'm supposed to go to medical school out in California. By moving there, the opportunity for acceptance into those schools greatly increases. Again, only time will tell where I end up.

I promise I will update you on how my day of appointments goes tomorrow. No matter what the doctors report, everything will work out. My mom is coming to town after she gets off work today to attend Gamma Phi Beta's annual philanthropy, French Toast Feed, tonight. It has never worked for any of my family to attend, so what better time than my senior year. Then her and I will head off to my aunt's house for the night before our early start tomorrow.

I hope you all are having a wonderful day!

"Life is for the living. It's for grabbing onto and living on the wild side. Life is not about sitting safely in the harbor, but about casting off the bowlines and heading into the unknown. Live life to the fullest today."

Windy City Woes

Note: This post was written yesterday late afternoon, but is just getting uploaded now because 1. Midway didn’t have free wifi (really? It’s 2012) and 2. As I was using my phone to post it, it fell and was instantly destroyed. The screen went streaky and white, no sounds, no actions, nothing. I tried everything imaginable and nothing worked.

This all happened right before I was supposed to board. Wonderful timing. A boy had just sat down next to me and he seemed friendly, so I asked politely if I could use his phone to call my mom. He was more than willing to help this random stranger out, and so I called my mom who called my friend for me and updated her on the situation. I then called my friend from this man’s phone just to touch base on plans when I landed.

To make a long story short, this boy and I ended up having a great conversation in the waiting area (totally missed our boarding call and had to laugh when they called our names over the loud speaker even though we were sitting right there) and decided to sit next to each other on the 5 hour flight to California. By the time we arrived, we had covered all bases and gotten to know each other pretty well. Turns out he is from Boston, out visiting his brother, and also graduates in May. So as much as I hate not having a phone, and the messy situation it has left me with, in a way it was definitely meant to be. If it had not happened, I wouldn’t have met a new friend from the East coast.

So with that all being said, here is what I meant to post yesterday:

I am sitting here at Midway in Chicago, people watching (which I enjoy doing), until I catch my connecting flight to California, where I am going to enjoy much needed time with my other half. For both her and I, it could not have come at a better time. Side note: I’m sure many of you are questioning my decision to miss a couple days of class and travel halfway across the country when I just got back to campus. Trust me, I’ve heard it all from people the past couple of days. But, it doesn’t bother me one bit. My time at home after treatment was far from a “vacation” as some people are comparing it to, and I have worked like crazy the past week and a half to catch up and make this work. So I’m not afraid to put it simply: It is the best decision I could have made. I can’t think of a better medicine.

Anyway, this post is going to be a lot like the people I’m currently watching—a little bit of everything. 

I should start by updating you on how I have been feeling lately. The symptoms are very sporadic. Some moments I feel totally back to normal, and then others I hit rock bottom again. Saturday and Sunday were both pretty bad. I had no strength and almost fainted during mass. Monday was a new day and a new me. I regained some strength. (Probably because I spent all weekend in trying to catch up and sleeping.) I had a big microbiology exam this morning, so any time I had up until 10:30am today was spent teaching myself almost 5 chapters of material. The last exam was on the day I started treatment, and even though I just got back, we already have another one. So needless to say I was beyond confused, lost, and overwhelmed. I think the past two nights closing down the library and getting hardly any sleep (and the desperate help from 5 Hour Energy) paid off. I feel confident about how I did and more than anything am glad it’s over! Oh and I almost forgot. The worst part about the entire exam was that the last two chapters of material were about virus replication and the changes that take place for them to turn into cancer. It talked about how very little is known about how to stop the replication and also went into the science about the damaging effects of radiation on our bodies. It hit me in a strange way. I definitely was feeling mixed emotions but knew I just needed to hammer through it!

I have had a couple weird things happen lately that remind me I am forever changed from the radioactivity I experienced. For one, as I walk under streetlights at night, they instantly go out. This has happened on three different occasions now. Also, yesterday I was getting my hair done and my stylist is the cutest pregnant lady. I was so excited to see her baby bump. The instant I arrived, I put my hand on her tummy and the baby immediately gave a good kick! I jumped back a little surprised and put my hand back on. The baby did it again! That feeling is so amazing and miraculous. Awhile later, my stylist asked me, “Keri are you sure you can be around pregnant people now and that you aren’t radioactive?” I reassured her I had passed the 3-week mark and was cleared. She started laughing and replied, “Well I had to ask because ever since you touched me, this baby has not stopped going crazy and it has been calm all day!” Oh the things I get blamed for…

We were sent the bill from just the pharmacy yesterday. The single dose of radiation I swallowed on the last day of treatment was $5,520. That doesn’t include tests, scans, hospital and doctors fees, etc. I cannot get over the fact that I SWALLOWED that much money. Seriously unbelievable. Thank the Lord for health insurance. You would think I would be sweating and emitting $100 bills left and right, my own personal money tree. If only that were true!

My taste buds are still not back in action quite yet. I tried a sip of wine the other day just to remind myself how much I am looking forward to my time in California. It was the most disgusting thing to hit my tongue in awhile. I had my friend try it just to make sure it was me and not the wine. She said it was delicious. I am so bummed. Wine is my absolute favorite. My fingers are crossed that they come back soon because this is starting to get old!

Today at the airport I had to be sure and have my special card from Nuclear Medicine ready for security. Because of the radiation the doctors told me that for the next year I have to carry this card with me whenever I travel, as there is a good chance I will be mistaken for a bomb. I honestly think it’s pretty cool. Haha. Things went well today. Of course I was taken to the side to be scanned by a machine and examined further, but they didn’t find a nuclear bomb. Phew!

To end though, I should share that my heart hurts so badly for my little brother. He had to be checked into the hospital today because of a severe case of mono. It started out as strep a couple days ago and has progressively gotten worse. The latest update is that they have been pumping him with fluids and is looking better. Not to worry, he will be just fine. But the absolute worst part about the whole thing is that he was supposed to take off for Winter Park tomorrow with a couple friends to hit the slopes. He is a die-hard snowboarder and has been planning this entire trip for quite some time. This is his only free weekend to go, as the rest are consumed with golf tournaments. I wish more than anything I could trade places with him. I would do it in a heartbeat. Yes, it means I would have to miss this trip to California, but at least he would get to go to Colorado. My trip could be postponed, but his cannot. Chopper like I told you earlier, I am so so sorry! I can’t imagine how mad, bummed, and sad you are. Love you and get better soon!

It’s almost time for me to board! Next stop, the arms of my best friend for the biggest hug ever!

Weak All Week

It's funny how great I thought I was doing towards the end of my stay at home. Little did I know that a few short days of being back to "reality" would hit me as hard as they have. 


Here's a recap of my week back on campus: 


Sunday: My mom drove me back down to school late that afternoon. We grabbed dinner together and then moved my massive load of stuff back into the sorority house, where I was greeted by so many wonderful friends! I spent the night unpacking and catching up with everyone. 


Monday: It was very hard for me to get out of bed! But I knew I needed to get to microbiology. I threw on an outfit and headed out the door. I could tell it had been raining, but didn't have time to run back upstairs to grab my umbrella. That was a mistake. My class is all the way across campus, and after only a minute or two of walking, the rain started coming down again. Of course I was not dressed appropriately either. It's almost as if during my two and a half weeks in isolation I forgot how bipolar our weather can be, and that even if it is sunny out, it is probably below freezing. I had on leggings, a light jacket, cute scarf, and Toms. None of which was fitting for the freezing wind and rain. I finally arrived to class only to walk in and see a note on the board:  "Class Cancelled Today." Normally that would be exciting news. However, having to instantly turn around and retrace the steps I had just made did not sound appealing. Once I finally made it back sopping wet to my room, I changed into sweats, a tee, and crawled back into bed for a warm nap. The afternoon went well and I actually had a decent workout after class. I cleaned up and anxiously went to try and find my car in the parking garage. I wanted to run to HyVee to get a few things for the week. After searching a few floors, I finally found it. Before I turned the key, I paused briefly to smile and take in everything. I had not drove my car for 3 weeks and this would be the first time I could finally go do something for myself instead of relying on someone to help me. I was so excited! That moment was short lived. As I tried to turn on my car, it wouldn't start. Completely dead. With no jumper cables, and no one around, I made the trek back downstairs to ask the police department if they could help me out. Fun Fact:  they will not help you jump your car. Now what? I called a good friend of mine who said he would come to my rescue. Once he arrived, I figured I should learn how to jump a car and made him teach me. It seemed like a good life lesson. He taught me all the rules about the red, black, positive, and negative. And just like that the car should have magically started back up. But that would've been too easy, right? For some reason or another my car would not turn over. We tried numerous times and made adjustments. At this point he was pretty sure we would not be getting my car out of that garage. But I was bound and determined. I told him that maybe if we just let it sit forever that it might eventually work. After letting it charge for over 20 minutes, I gave it one last shot. It started!!! I definitely let out a scream of relief. 


My friend insisted on coming with me and to sit in the car while I ran into the store so that I did not have to turn it off. On the way, I called my dad and got his advice. He told us to find a reliable auto shop to test my battery. And if I needed a new one, to have them replace it right then and there. It turned out my battery was functioning above normal and that just sitting there for 3 weeks seemed to be the problem. Two hours later it was finally time to go to HyVee. I grabbed the foods on my list and headed back to campus. Because of my car trouble, I snuck in late to our Monday night meeting. When I did, one girl spotted me and let out a loud scream. The next thing I remember is being mauled by some of my best friends. Seeing everyone again was so awesome! I finished off the night by writing a paper and completing 7 different assignments...


Tuesday: It was time to return to the lab. This is the point I started to realize just how far behind I am. We were instructed to calculate results of previous electrophoresis and spread plate experiments. Of course I was not there for any of that and had no idea what was going on. We have a practical in less than two weeks and I am already anticipating how brutal it is going to be. After classes I had to lay down and take a nap, which lasted a lot longer than I had planned. By that afternoon it was evident that I was not used to being on the go and my stamina is far from being back to normal. 


Wednesday: I woke up and walked to microbiology once again. That day we had a quiz. The entire lecture I was totally lost, and the quiz was just another glaring reminder of how much catching up I have to do. That afternoon when I got on the bus to head to East campus, I had realized I forgot my bus pass in my room. I tried to explain the situation to the bus driver (who see's me ride it all of the time), but he rudely interrupted me and said, "You have plenty of time to walk back and get it before the next bus comes." I was so frustrated. But I didn't object and just turned and headed back to get my silly pass. I was almost back to the bus stop when I noticed that the next bus was already taking off--4 minutes early. What I would have done to see the first bus driver who told me I had "plenty of time". I called a friend in the class with me and decided by the time the next bus came, class would have started and I would have walked in pretty late. I turned to go back to the house to skip when one of my good friends was coming across the street. Ironically she was headed to East campus and said she would give me a ride! I walked in just in time. 


Later in the day, a friend and I went to Ash Wednesday mass together. It was a great reminder about what the season of Lent is all about. Finding the love of God in everything we do, and making sacrifices to remind us of the sacrifice Jesus made for us. Which by the way, I have given up popcorn again this year along with sweets/desserts. I am already struggling with the popcorn part. Nonetheless, it was wonderful getting to attend mass again. Afterwards, I intended to get a lot of reading for class done, but one of my best friends had just flown in from her trip out to Los Angeles. We spent two hours catching up and laughing. Then, I actually did do some reading but was absolutely exhausted so it didn't last long. 


Today: My alarm went off at 8:17am (I don't like times ending in 0 or 5 for some weird reason). The instant I opened my eyes I knew I was doomed. I could only see half of everything and my head and neck were pounding with pain. Classic migraine. I have been getting them since I was in 4th grade, and the only relief comes from seeing a chiropractor. I quickly called the one I see here when I'm not home, and they were able to get me in at 9am. Thankfully I was able to drive myself there. Normally I have to have someone take me because my vision is too bad, I'm in too much pain to function, or my arms go numb and limp. I think I caught it early enough this time before the brutal symptoms had time to take over. The entire way there I swore I was going to get sick (another classic symptom of mine). I fought it back and made it through the appointment. The chiropractor was in disbelief at how messed up and tense every part of my body was, and still is. The adjustment was painful and he noted I would be sore. But I assured him that anything helps the pain of the migraine I was having. I got back to the house and knew I had to apply a hot pack and try to sleep it off. I was out for the next 4 hours. I woke up feeling better, but still had sensitivity to light and sound, and the pain had gone from throbbing to an ache. So once again, the productive day I had planned did not happen. Even though I slept all day, I have not stopped yawning since I woke up. Looks like I'll be crawling back into bed soon.


All things considered, I'm doing alright. I hate how weak and tired I get, but hopefully that will get better soon. The migraine was not what I needed today, but I'm surprised I have not gotten one sooner with all of the changes my body has gone through. The strangest thing I've noticed in the past few days though, is my taste buds. You know that feeling after you take that impatient drink of your Starbucks the instant they hand it to you and you completely scorch your tongue? That's how mine feels. Raw and tasteless. Everything I eat has a strange taste and sensation. Even gum and water have not been the same this week. The doctors mentioned that might happen, but I seemed to have forgotten until it appeared the other day.


Seeing all of my friends again has been so amazing. I am beyond blessed. But I can't say the same about being back into the swing of things. I was telling my mom as we pulled into campus that I was in awe looking at everyone going places. For the past 3 weeks my life has been put on hold but everyone else's just kept going forward. And now I'm having to jump back in and hold on tight. But what better time than the Easter season to embrace change and wake up each day in anticipation of the adventures that lie ahead. 


Another quote that has served as a great reminder:  "Only God can can turn a mess into a message, a test into a testimony, a trial into a triumph, a victim into a victory."


xoxo

Recalculating

"Turn right. Continue for 1.3 miles and then keep left. In 500 feet turn left." (You miss the turn.) "Recalculating."

We have probably all heard the GPS in our cars tell us that it is "recalculating" because we made some sort of driving error. In the last 24 hours, my life has done its own version of "recalculating." Just when I thought things might be starting to arrange themselves back into place, I encountered another hill health-wise and a dead end in one of my future plans.

I woke up yesterday morning with a missed call and voicemail from my doctor. Her pleasant voice asked that I return her call at my earliest convenience. I was appreciative of the fact that she personally called me, instead of having a nurse relay the information. (I must have still been a little sleepy, because normally this should have lit a lightbulb that something must be wrong.) I returned her call right away and talked for a little bit about how I was feeling and any questions I had. She then proceeded to tell me that after reviewing my scans, my thymus gland, which sits between the collar bones and lungs, had picked up a significant amount of the radiation. (Something the radiologist did not mention last week. Surprise, surprise.) However, there were no tumor markers present. What all of this means is that either the thymus gland just randomly decided to absorb some of the radiation or that the cancer has spread there as well. They can't tell for sure because if it was definitely in the thymus, the tumor markers would have showed up. But, the cancer could just be starting to attack and was not detectable yet by the markers. So, a CT scan has been ordered before my next appointment with her in March. This will give her a better idea of what exactly is going on. Now some of you, like my family, are probably questioning why they are waiting so long to do the scan. There are a couple of reasons:  they want the radiation to have a chance to leave my body so that the scan is valid, and if it is the cancer, I would either need surgery or more treatment, both of which I could not undergo until later anyway.

Like I said, I have reached another hill to climb on this adventure.

Then evening rolled around. I found out last Friday before my scans that I would be informed if I was accepted to my top medical school of choice on Wednesday evening (last night). It goes without saying that as much as I have tried to block it out of my mind, I was constantly thinking about it. I have been dreaming of and waiting for this day since at least my senior year of high school. To make the day go by faster, I went to lunch with my priest, caught up on some homework, and finished The Hunger Games, which I highly recommend you read. And because it was Wednesday, that meant my brother and I would be having dinner with our grandparents. It's a tradition we had every week while I was in high school, and Kyle has continued since I have been in college.

Finally the moment came. My phone rang. The conversation was brief, and I was told that I was not accepted. And just like that, it was over. Kind of like when you're bandaged after a procedure and you return a week later to have it removed. One quick rip and it's done, but the redness is a visible reminder and the sting lasts long after it has been removed. And if there's a scar, it's something you'll never forget. Naturally I could not fight back the tears even though I was trying so hard to stay strong. My night was rough to say the least. My eyes were red, the sting made my body numb, and my heart had been scarred.

This was the dead end I reached. Recalculating.

Now, I should mention that I debated a long time before deciding to share this with all of you. Who likes to admit to the world that they failed at something they have tirelessly been working on for the past 4 years? But after having some time to process everything, I know I have not failed.

There are still two wonderful, top medical schools I am waiting to hear from. And my backup plan if I am not accepted anywhere this year, would also be a dream come true. Not the one I have planned on for so long, but one that would be sure to bring peace and joy. I would travel to Kenya and serve as a medical intern for at least 2 months, probably 3. Living with a host family, working in the local hospital, helping at AIDS orphanages, and traveling to rural areas to provide all forms of medical care. One of the past interns told me that her favorite area of specialty was in the maternity ward. She witnessed over 10 deliveries and actually did 3 herself! After returning home, the plan would be to move to California and live with my best friend, while getting a job as a surgical technician or some other medical opportunity. All the while, I would be preparing and reapplying to medical schools to begin in the Fall of 2013.

Don't get me wrong, I wish more than anything to begin medical school this Fall. But I also know that it may not be part of God's plan for me. During the mess of my night, my mom came to my room to remind of me of one of my favorite quotes. She said she had just looked at my Facebook page and found it. "Trust that rejection in any form, from anyone, is simply God's way of saying, 'Careful kiddo. You're going the wrong way.'" It was then I felt the comfort that everything would work out like it is supposed to.

The support I have received already has been amazing. My grandpa called me and said, "They missed a good one." Shortly after, my grandma called and shared stories of how her and my grandpa had both "failed" in their lives and how wonderful it all turned out to be. And last night, my other grandma called my mom to see if I had heard anything. She had remembered that I was going to find out the news that day. That may not seem like a big deal, but to my family it was huge. Over the years she has suffered a stroke, subdural hematoma, and subsequent health complications, so to have her remember so vividly something that many people easily forgot, brought tears to my eyes. I woke up this morning and decided nothing sounded better than a visit to grandma's. I don't have my car back home, and everyone else was gone, so I bundled up and set out for a walk to her house. Before I left, she made me Google how far it was going to be. She was worried I would be too cold or wouldn't have the strength. It is only a little over a mile away and I reassured her I would be just fine. The fresh air was exactly what I needed and the walk was one step closer to getting my stamina back. Her advice to me was that something better was waiting for me; that God has plans. Her call and visit were the perfect reminder of what life is truly about:  enjoying every moment with the one's you love because you never know when those moments will end.

So, I have not failed. Even though it does feel like it at times. The GPS of my life has simply been adjusted by the hands of God and is recalculating to put me on the right path. Thank goodness someone knows where my life is headed, because the things I was once so sure about have become foggy. But more than anything, I still have so much to be grateful for. I can think of hundred's of situations that are far worse than mine.

To end, I'll share another favorite quote:
"Faith is believing that one of two things will happen:  that there will be something solid for you to stand on, or that you will be taught to fly."

With the solid support of my ideas of the future being pulled out from under me, I cannot wait to spread my wings and fly.

L-O-V-E ♥

Happy Valentine’s Day!

I know there are many people who have nothing but terrible things to say about this holiday. But, I have always been fond of February 14^th. And I promise it has nothing to do with being head over heels in love with Prince Charming. (Who by the way, must just be lost and is simply finding his way to me.)

My grandmother adores Valentine’s Day. Her and I are very much alike in a lot of ways, and so I think I understand why her heart beats a little faster this time of year. To me, it is a day to share with family and friends how much they mean to you. Even though we should do this everyday, we all know the busyness of life and routine get the best of us, and stopping to remind those around you how much they are loved doesn’t always happen. Valentine’s Day is the perfect opportunity to take a step back, pause what you are doing, and go out of your way for the ones who hold a special place in your heart.

To honor this day, I thought I would share just a few of the things I love:

Cards or even a simple post-it note. Thoughtful words will always mean so much more to me than anything with a price tag.

The breathless moment when time stops for just an instant when your best friend or that special person’s name appears on your phone.

Food. Plain and simple. Trying new restaurants, craving old ones, or whipping up creations in the kitchen.

Summer nights under the lights of the local baseball field, sunflower seeds in hand. Diamond’s really are a girls best friend, and I’m already coming down with a case of Spring Fever.

Sunday’s. Waking up, going to church, coming home to brunch, and then spending the afternoon relaxing.

The imaginations and adventurous spirits of children. Spending time with kids of all ages is priceless and will forever warm my heart.

Walking around a hospital, clinic, or anything medical related. The rush that totally consumes me is unbelievable.

When the perfect song comes on the radio or your iPod.

The simplicity of a hug, and the monumental difference it can make in that moment.

Having the ability to acquire knowledge about anything at the click of a mouse.

The adrenaline that comes with extreme roller coasters, parasailing, sitting on the back of an alligator (I did this in Africa) or any other adventure. Next on my list, skydiving.

Going for a run while in a new city and getting lost in neighborhoods on purpose, just to see if you can find your way back.

Looking at old family photos and watching home videos.

Having a best friend who knows that even though laughing is the most painful thing to do because you just had surgery on your throat, still finds every way to make us laugh until we cry.

Getting together with family during the Holidays. Traditions of food, card and board games, and crazy impersonations of the Griswold family from Christmas Vacation.

Seeing every detail of a snowflake perfectly preserved on your windshield. The first signs of Spring when flowers begin to peak out of the ground. Summer days with the sun reflecting off the water. And the beauty of rich colors in Autumn.

Being completely exhausted after a tough work out, and the feeling of accomplishment that comes with it.

The never-ending love of family and true friends, especially when there are times we probably don’t deserve it.

And last but certainly not least, knowing that each one of us has been uniquely brought into this world to share our God given gifts and talents. Knowing His love for us is greater than anything we will ever experience.

I hope you all have a day filled with the moments that make you smile! So far, I had cards and little gifts waiting for my family when they woke up, made heart-shaped crepes with my mom for breakfast, took roses to my grandma, got lunch for my brother, talked to my best friend, and went to The Vow with my mom. Love is a beautiful thing!

xoxo

PS: I came home to beautiful red roses and a note that touched my heart. Thank you to whoever "Your Admirer" may be. I would love to be able to tell you how much I appreciate it! 

Frightened Family

"I think you need to go back in your room now. You're starting to radiate on me." -my dearest mother

So much for having fewer restrictions on my isolation. Even as I sat down to write this post, my mom suggested I go to my room where I have the heater on so I can "warm up." But what she really meant was, "I'm going back to work now and don't trust you out in the kitchen alone. Who knows what you could poison." Oh the joys of being the family outcast.

On Saturday, my mom allowed me to go out to lunch with the rest of the family. I was so excited! The moment we stepped foot in the restaurant, she told the hostess that we needed to be seated far away from pregnant women and children. As we arrived to our table she told me I should sit on the end, just so I have more room. (Again, we all know what she really meant.) And then once everyone was about done eating, I got up to go to the bathroom. It wasn't even a second later and I was told to sit back down. Going to the bathroom in a public place was off limits. Instead, my mom made me wait until everyone was done, the bill was paid, and we arrived back home.

That afternoon there was a big high school boys basketball tournament taking place at the Events Center. Spending my day watching a bunch of competitive games sounded like the perfect plan. Until my mom got wind of the idea. No way was she going to let me go. "Do you know how many people will be there? And how many people you are going to know? They will all want to come talk to you. It is not worth the risk. You're staying home." And that was that. Well, until later that evening. My parents had a surprise anniversary party to attend and my brother had stopped home to get some food after a couple of the games. He told me he would sneak me back to the Events Center with him. I honestly would have gone if it weren't for the amazing pot of mac and cheese I was busy making myself. I had to choose between food I had been craving for the past 3 weeks or going against my mom's orders and escaping for the game. The choice was simple. The mac and cheese came out on top. It was a good thing too because my parents arrived home earlier than expected.

Then came Sunday morning. Unfortunately, I still was not able to attend mass with my family. But that afternoon, I had picked out all of this yummy and healthy food I wanted my mom to get while she was at the grocery store. The list included items like:  quinoa, sweet potatoes, black beans, lots of fresh fruit, and fresh veggies. The recipe I was most excited to try was for black bean/sweet potato/quinoa burgers. My mom and I decided we would have those for dinner, along with a few other things. My dad and brother were gone for the afternoon, and when they arrived home for dinner, the look on my brother's face was priceless. I won't tell you what he compared the looks of them to because it is not for the weak of stomachs. Let's just say, it was nothing having to do with food. Yet he agreed to try them. However after one bite, the rest of his food ended up on my plate. Even my dad was skeptical about the burgers and opted out for something else. My mom and I loved them though. The rest of dinner was spent listening to my brother and dad make jokes about the food I was eating. Kyle pulled out his iPhone numerous times to ask Siri what she thought of the food, and my dad kept quoting lines from movies that related to the situation. None of us could stop laughing.

That evening my brother and I both had loads of homework to do. We were at the barstools in the kitchen working on it while watching the Grammy's and my mom and dad were nearby reading the paper and using the iPad. All was well. Later a couple of Kyle's friends came over and they headed downstairs to work on more homework. My mom took his spot at the bar and we ended up looking up fun foods on Pinterest for Valentine's Day. It wasn't long after when my mom started complaining that she was itching. I didn't think anything of it. She got up and made some tea, and while the water was heating up, she said, "Keri, you are making me itch. You're radiating on me!" I looked at her confused and started laughing. She went on to say, "I'm being serious. This is not funny, I can't stop itching and I've been around you a lot today." Wow. Thanks mom. I love you too. My dad could be heard laughing from the living room. Then I started to laugh again. And finally my mom couldn't contain herself anymore either. She was itching her arms and crying tears of laughter all at the same time. As you could probably guess, I was sent back to my room for the night.

Then today I was telling her about how I didn't sleep well again last night. She made a few comments and responded, "I didn't sleep very good either. I kept waking up freezing cold." I told her to join the club and that she could only complain about that if she didn't have a thyroid. Her response was, "Well I'm sure having you radiate on me so much has hurt my thyroid a little too, so that's why I was so cold." Seriously? Again, I can feel the love.

Another common phrase my mom likes to share out of panic is, "You can't see it, smell it, taste it, or touch it, so how am I supposed to know that it's not harming me!?!!?" It's those times that I remind her that I'm the one that actually had to ingest it so she should consider herself lucky. I win that battle every time.

Now, I don't want any of you to think poorly of my mother. While sometimes she is being serious, majority of the time she is joking around and we both end up in an uncontrollable laughter. And she can't be that afraid of me if she offered to take me to The Vow tomorrow for Valentine's Day. Although she did say we could only go to the matinee because there wouldn't be very many people there, and we have to sit in the back away from anyone who is there. Oh, and I doubt she'll let me go to the bathroom. She'll probably even sit a seat away from me.

All things considered, I would not trade my family for the world. They have all made countless accommodations to make this entire process work. Plus, adventures are not fun unless there is a lot of laughter involved. I love them all more than they know!

And mom, since I started with a quote from you, I'll end with one for you. It is one of my favorites:

"The truth is, even if she weren't my mom, I would go out of my way to be friends with her."  xoxo, your radiating Keri Ellen

The Prisoner Escaped

God is so good!

 Along with each and every one of you: my personal prayer warriors. Because of His grace and your endless love and support, today has been a great day!

But to be honest, I was a little nervous from the moment I woke up. Until now, every other day didn’t seem to faze me. Today was different for some reason though. I think it was because I knew my scheduled round of scans at the med center would reveal if the radiation had done its job and if the cancer had spread, two factors that this entire process revolves around.

Nevertheless, I had a smile on my face and was ready to go. It was also a day of many firsts. I wore jeans, put on makeup, did my hair, and stepped outside all for the first time since last Friday afternoon. Watch out, world. I’m coming for you.

My dad and I loaded up and headed East down the interstate. We met my aunt for lunch and then checked into the hospital. The scan machine this time was different than last week. It was definitely a day to force away my claustrophobia because I was slid completely into a tunnel, and the imaging above my head came down so low that it graced the tip of my nose. It made the tunnel slides at the water park seem like nothing now. Deep breaths, eyes closed, and 45 minutes later I was done.

Then we waited for the doctors to review the images and were told a resident would come in and discuss the results. We all had to laugh because of our wonderful experience with the resident last time. Luckily it was not the same one. She reported there was more uptake than originally presented last week. Meaning, some of the lymph nodes surrounding where the thyroid once was did show cancer. However, it appeared that the radiation was doing its job and attacking the cancer in those areas. Also, the rest of my body looked cancer free. I think we all breathed a big sigh of relief! She went on to say though, that the true test would be in 6 months. I would report back for blood work to check my levels of thyroglobulin and TSH. If those appeared suspicious, I would need a repeat scan to see if the cancer had come back. But if they appeared stable, I would be in the clear, at least for a year and as long as I didn’t notice any changes. From here on out, I will need to repeat blood work and possible scans every year to check the status of the cancer. While thyroid cancer is treatable, we have to remember there is no cure. But I am content with that. It will forever serve as the perfect reminder that my strength and dependence lies in the Lord. And those times when I am overwhelmed and frustrated, it will keep me grounded knowing that the annoyance is not as important as it may seem.

Now it’s time to focus on regaining strength and stamina. Oh, and completing the homework that seems to just keep piling up as emails from professors continue to land in my inbox. I did however get my application for the internship in Africa completed and submitted yesterday. Keep your fingers crossed!

Yesterday was also a rough day for many reasons side-effect wise and I tried to sleep it off but that wasn’t working. So I began to read the book The Vow. Before I knew it, I had read the entire thing! It was so great being able to read a book for pleasure. As much as I would love to go to the movie theater later for opening night, that won’t be happening. It is sure to be packed, and while I am cleared to start being around other people for small amounts of time, I can’t be near little kids or anyone pregnant. And what better place to find emotional, pregnant women than at a romantic, heart-warming movie? And did I mention it’s starring Channing Tatum? Enough said. But guys, I promise you would like the movie as well. It is all based on a true story and the lessons are remarkable ones we can all learn from. So if your girlfriend asks you to go, surprise her by agreeing without hesitation.

Once again, thank you all for your prayers of strength and hope. They have been answered! I cannot tell you how much it means to me. Also, I will continue to post at least throughout the rest of my time in isolation. I wouldn’t want any of you to be disappointed and think this was the end. The adventure continues!

All My Love & Happy Friday!

Grey's Anatomy

Everything I need to know, I have learned from Grey's Anatomy. No, not the anatomical book of GrAy's Anatomy, the television show. But I have a feeling that book will come in handy many times in medical school.


I have been watching the show since it began back in 2005. However throughout this last year due to heavy course loads and a busy schedule, I missed all of season 7 and all of the episodes of this current season. I decided that my time in isolation would be the perfect opportunity to catch up. My mom went out and bought season 7 for me, and I was able to buy a few of the recent episodes on iTunes and watch some on abc.com (once I was allowed to use my computer again). Four days and 33 episodes later, I am finally caught up and ready for the new episode airing on Thursday! I know the fact that I spent that much time watching a TV drama series sounds pathetic, but if you can think of something better I should have done, I will eagerly listen. Reminder I couldn't touch anything: books, magazines, my computer, school work, puzzles, paper, etc. unless I was going to burn it afterwards.


My family could hear me laughing, crying, frustrated, and breathing sighs of relief through the baby monitor numerous times while I was watching the show. I would yell how much I loved Grey's and that I couldn't get enough. A few episodes later I swore I wasn't going to watch it anymore because it made me so mad. Then sure enough, I was sucked back in due to how the plot unfolded. The screenwriters sure know how to do their job. I thought I would share a few of the things I have learned from the crazy crew of physicians at Seattle Grace hospital:


Figuring Things Out: We all try to plan out exactly how things are going to happen. In high school it's all about how things are going to play out with your new crush and the big Homecoming dance coming up. College students are enjoying their freedom, but in the back of their minds have no idea what they want to do once they hit the real world. And everyone has their beliefs about how things should go in all areas of their life. But then all of a sudden something hits you. Let's say cancer for example. In one episode Meredith makes a comment that sums all of this up: "Just when we think we have figured things out, the universe throws us a curve ball. So we have to improvise. We find happiness in unexpected places. We find our way back to things that matter the most. The universe is funny that way. Sometimes, it just has a way of making sure we wind up exactly where we belong." And I couldn't agree more. God has plans. As my mom always says, "Let Go. Let God." 


Miss Independent: I have been very independent since I was a little girl. Along with that independence comes the notion that I don't need a man to complete me. While this is a good thing for many reasons, when I claim I am not going to get married it's a bad thing because having a family one day is something I am ecstatic about. And like every other girl, I have random wedding ideas compiled on Pinterest. (Warning to all the men out there, ask to see your girlfriend's Pinterest "board" before you drop down on one knee!) Now I realize none of this quite lines up, but I think Grey's has helped me figure it out. Meredith again sums it up nicely: "I always said I'd be happier alone. I'd have my work, my friends... But someone in your life all the time? More trouble than it's worth. But there's a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't because I thought I'd be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone, and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It's easier to be alone. Because what if you learn that you need love. And then you don't have it. What if you like it? And lean on it? What if you shape your life around it? And then... it falls apart. Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is – death ends. This? It could go on forever. Now that was a little too extreme for me, because I can promise you I will be able to survive any pain that comes with losing love. It's clearly the other person's loss anyway! But she's right in that putting so much time and effort into something just to have it crumble in a matter of minutes is so disappointing. Again, I have very high expectations for the people I love because I would be willing to go above and beyond for them, so it is simply just easier to go through life independently. I'm secretly hoping though, that eventually someone comes along and proves me wrong.


The Ultimate Best Friend: It is my hope for everyone that they have that one best friend who is there for the good, the bad, and most importantly, the ugly. I have been so blessed to find mine, and I know that no matter what happens, nothing will ever come between us. Whenever one of us is talking to a new guy, he has to meet the others' standards or it's game over. And we always talk about how our future husbands are going to have to become best friends, or the family vacations we are going to take together, just won't work. In one of the episodes, Christina had been staying over with Meredith and Derrick (all 3 in the same bed) because she was fighting with her husband, Owen. At one point Christina mentions to Meredith that she felt bad about invading their space. Meredith quickly responded, "Christina, you are my soul mate. Derrick is the love of my life. He understands." I loved it! It is exactly how I feel about my ultimate best friend. (Who I finally get to go see in 21 days!!!!!)


Being a Doctor: Every single episode reinforces my passion for medicine and reassures me that it is my dream to become a doctor. To clarify, I know it is just a show and that is not how it actually is in real life. But the miracles of medicine when a patient is saved, the struggles and heartache felt when a patient is lost after trying everything, having to comfort families in joy and sorrow, and the complexities of how our bodies work, are very relatable. Oh and I can't forget the scrubs! There really is no better outfit. 


So that was a taste of the things I have learned in the past few days. Now I said it was everything I needed to know, which was obviously an exaggeration. But there was some truth in that statement. As for how I'm doing otherwise, I still can't complain! The chills have switched from being constant to off and on. I keep having nausea at night, but the medicine is doing its job. I'm still weak and can only stand for so long before I have to sit down. But the greatest thing of all is that my iodine-free diet has ended! I'm still adjusting back to "normal" food, but I can't tell you how amazing the warm Swiss mushroom Runza I ate was. Not many other things have sounded appealing. I have, of course, over-indulged on various kinds of popcorn though. 


I'm still in isolation. That will last through this upcoming weekend. My bed is not only where I sleep, but has become my dining room table and desk as well. Like I said before, not being able to go fill up my water bottle whenever I want or run to the fridge to grab something has been an adjustment. Oh and today a friend asked me what the weather was like. I paused for a moment and realized that I have not stepped foot outside since my arrival home on Friday. And I won't get to go outside again until this Friday when I head back to the medical center for scans. The results will tell us how well I responded to the treatment and where, if any, the cancer has spread. We pray that the treatment has hit it all hard this first time around, and that all other organs, glands, and tissues are clear!


I'm spending a lot of my time today catching up on some homework and working on that Africa internship application. I am so excited for the North Carolina vs. Duke game tonight! Go Tar Heels!