Déjà Vu

The results are in. And if you remember back to what I went through initially with my thyroid a little over a year ago, then you may as well just stop reading now because it's déjà vu… 

At my one year post-diagnosis appointments, the nodules in my lungs were stable. And so was my thyroid. Both great things to hear! However, my thymus gland showed up on the CT scan double the width it was on the previous scan back in March. My endocrinologist alluded to it briefly, but was quick to note that it was out of her league. She did say was that it could:  1. Be the cancer metastasizing 2. Rebound thymus hyperplasia (enlargement as a result of the radiation) 3. An autoimmune disease called myasthenia gravis (weakening of voluntary muscles throughout the body) or 4. Some other unknown problem. She would be sending my scan to a thoracic oncologist to view, ordered additional blood work for myasthenia gravis, and would call me with the update and the results of all my blood work the next week.

Fast forward to last week when she called with my results. I was substitute teaching in a Kindergarten classroom that day, so it wasn’t the best timing to take a serious phone call. But we managed to quickly cover things while I had a brief minute. My doctor told me that my tumor markers were undetectable (a good thing), no antibodies were present for the autoimmune disease (another good thing), and that the thoracic oncologist said that my thymus could be relatively “normal” in size for someone my age. She then went on to say, “We will just follow it over the next year and see how things go.” Right then I froze. Those same magic words were what I was told when my thyroid tests kept coming back inconclusive a little over a year ago. Long story short, I have very little trust in the whole “let’s just follow things” plan. But like I said, I was teaching and was not in the right medical mindset to process our conversation.

Late that afternoon as I was driving home, I replayed our discussion. I paused again. If the CT scan of my thymus from January could possibly be “normal”, then why did it double in size over the past 10 months? It doesn’t make any sense for a doctor to say an enlargement of the thymus gland is “normal.” Brief physiology lesson:  your thymus produces the immune system cells in your body. This process takes place from the time you are born until your late teens. At that time, the thymus gland (sitting directly behind your sternum) starts to die off or shrink. With that being said, I instantly knew there was no way the new thoracic oncologist had known of the first CT from last March. As soon as I got home I was on the phone with the med center scheduling an appointment with this new doctor.

Ok. If I haven’t lost you yet, now fast forward to yesterday when I had my appointment with this thoracic oncologist. One of the very first things he said was that he did not know there was a previous scan to compare to until I made the appointment. (I knew it.) He went on to say that nothing yet looked too alarming, just not normal either. His recommendation was to rescan in April and then again in July. Next at 1 year. A year and a half. And then finally at 2 years. If all of those came back stable, then I would be in the clear as far as the thymus goes. I smiled and said that I respected his opinion, but was not comfortable with his plan. I went on to explain that a year ago my ultrasound was inconclusive, so were my thyroid biopsy results, then they told me my chance of having cancer was less than 20%, and finally the plan would be to “follow things again in a year.” Had I agreed to that plan back then, today the thyroid cancer would have no doubt been all throughout my lymph system or in my bones and lungs, as it was already spreading outside of the gland capsule at the time of surgery in January 2012. He understood my concern and said he would gladly perform a biopsy if that were my wish. This was not an easy question to answer. To biopsy the thymus, I would be given an epidural for the pain initially, put under general anesthesia, incisions on my left side along the rib cage and below the breast. While keeping me under, they would send my tissue to pathology to examine. If it turned out to be suspicious, they would proceed with a couple more incisions and remove the entire gland. Either way, biopsy or full excision, recovery is not the greatest. A chest tube would be inserted and monitored in the hospital for a couple days. I would then be sent home for a week of recovery, followed by 3 weeks of additional recovery until I was back to “normal.” Now you see why his question was not an easy one to answer.

I asked him if we could combine the two options. I want to have things figured out before I start PA school this Fall, because the last thing I want to happen is to experience complications a year from now while I’m studying my life away and can’t be absent for a large chunk of time. But, I also don’t want to rush into anything if it’s medically unnecessary. He thought that sounded like a good plan. So here is what we decided:  In April I will return for a CT scan on a Tuesday. If there are more changes then I will go into the OR the next day. I am scheduled tentatively for surgery that Wednesday just in case. However if the scan is stable, then we will repeat this same process in the middle of June in time for potential recovery before I report to school in late July. So. All is set unless my symptoms progress. These being increased shortness of breath, more wheezing, extreme fatigue, or more continual chest pains. In that case, I would need to go in for the biopsy sooner. 

Another suspicion of mine is that I was told the left side of my thymus gland is larger than the right. This would mean I would have the incisions on the left side of my body during the surgery. If the enlargement was truly because of rebound hyperplasia post radiation, then the gland should ideally enlarge overall, not just more so on one half. And coincidentally or not, the left half of my thyroid was where the cancerous nodule was located...

We finished our conversation with my question of, “What could you find while you were in there operating?” The oncologist responded that there’s always a chance the thyroid cancer had metastasized, but that was rare. Myasthenia gravis is an option but also rare. The main thing seen in regards to the thymus would be a diagnosis of lymphoma. Which in that case, they don’t typically take the entire gland. Instead, radiation and chemotherapy are started.

Yikes. That was a lot of medical jargon. Hopefully I didn’t leave your head spinning. I did my best to provide enough detail that you understood, but not too much that it became a total mess. Basically, I play the waiting game some more. Like I mentioned in the opening paragraph, this is a mirror image of what I first went through trying to figure out what was wrong with my thyroid. Déjà vu. And while it is extremely frustrating, it’s one of those things that no matter how upset I get, or how much I choose to research medical journals online, things will not change. So instead, I am putting it all behind me and enjoying the start of this Lenten season. I took full advantage of Fat Tuesday yesterday. I’m giving up popcorn again this year (seriously not sure what I am thinking), along with sweets. And then a few lifestyle changes to enhance my faith life. It’s safe to say I am already experiencing withdrawal symptoms from not having any popcorn today. I’m officially an addict!

Oh. And little fun fact. When I got back into town from my appointment yesterday, I was quickly eating some quinoa salad before going into the clinic for work, and all of a sudden I crunched down on something sharp and hard. Only to find that one of my far back molars had chipped off in the corner! My dentist told me to come right in so she could smooth it out. Icing on the cake, right? All I could do was roll my eyes and laugh…I’ve NEVER had any problems with my teeth. What a day! Glad it’s over :)

I hope each of you have a wonderful Valentine’s Day tomorrow! My bible study is reading The Purpose Driven Life, and a recent chapter fits perfectly with tomorrow’s holiday:

“Your time is your most precious gift because you only have a set amount of it. It is not enough just to say relationships are important; we must prove it. Relationships, not achievements or the acquisition of things, are what matters most in life. Let love be your greatest aim. And the essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.”

xoxo

1 Year Later

**Note** I am officially back in the USA after an unbelievable week with family sailing the Caribbean. What better to do on a layover in Dallas than upload my new post written a few days ago. Enjoy!

January 9th, 2013

Before I begin, I have to note that I'm writing this from the balcony of my room on our cruise ship. The sun has set, and we are sailing away from the island of Jamaica. The wind was quite strong today, so there are peaceful whitecaps crashing along side the boat. I'm not sure if this is real life. Not once has this trip felt "normal" (in a good way). I've caught myself thinking multiple times, "What day is it? What would I be doing at home right now? Am I really snorkeling in crystal clear water with stingrays??!"

But today more than anything, I can't seem to wrap my mind around the fact that it has been an entire year since I was told, "Keri. You have cancer."

That phone call Monday January 9th, 2012 from my nurse, feels like yesterday. I was supposed to be starting my final semester of college, but that Sunday before, I woke up still under the weather from surgery. I also had a weird feeling. Something was holding me back from moving. Immediately after my nurse called, I knew then why I stayed home. God knew being surrounded by family was what I would need the following day. 

I remember every detail. Where I was standing. What I was doing minutes before my phone rang. How my mom was headed out the door to go back to work, before I quickly rushed over and motioned with my hands to wait. Don't leave. And then everything was a process. I explained the details to my mom and Kyle. Called my dad while he was at work. Made special phone calls to my grandparents to make sure they were home; There was something I wanted them to hear in person. And finally my closest friends and extended family were notified. But after all of that was done, I can't remember what I did. I never cried. Or felt angry. I'm sure I researched every medical journal possible dealing with thyroid cancer. But other than that, the rest is a blur...

But here I am! One year later. Somewhere out in the middle of the Gulf of Mexico. Surrounded by my ever-loving family and paradise. I didn't bring up today's date at all today. We had talked about it a couple times the last few days, but not today. I think it was one of those things we all had in the back of our minds throughout the day, but were assuming we all knew and kept it taboo. Instead we spent the day zip lining atop the lush mountains and climbing the Dunn's River waterfall in Jamaica. Oh. And sipping on the local rum! 

I think it's natural for people to reflect on how much has gone by in a year of significance; Be it cancer, the first year of marriage, loss of a loved one, etc. However, I don't feel the need to do that. Yes, I've definitely looked back on what all happened and how majority of my "plans" changed without notice. But. None of that is necessarily going to put a smile on my face. Instead today, I've found myself looking forward to what the future holds. I have no doubt that the plans God has in store far exceed any that I could ever dream! And as strange as it may sound, I have cancer to thank for that. I remember my parents teaching this lesson in CLC class when I was in middle school:  A man is on a tightrope. Believing is the mindset knowing that he can walk across the rope. But having faith is closing his eyes and successfully making it to the other side. In my case, I've always believed. But now I have true faith.

The other thing that weighed heavily on my mind today was how blessed I've been in regards to the support I have in my life. You know your family really loves you when they put up with crazy, roller-coaster hormonal changes, and yet never hold it against you. Or when friends let you be "lame" and go to bed at 9pm versus a night out. And the moments that you just need to vent, and with a simple touch on an iPhone, the perfect person is on the other end all ears. Again, without judgement. (Usually a few laughs though. Sometimes my rambling gets a little crazy!)

As for where things stand medically; I will spend a week at the med center for blood work, injections, scans, and appointments at the end of this month. This is routine protocol for one year post-diagnosis. They will monitor the nodules in my lungs and make sure the cancer is still suppressed and non-detectable. If all is clear, then I don't think I have to go back for 6 months! What a relief that would be. So keep your fingers crossed and prayers coming. 

1 year. 365 days. 52 weeks. 525,600 minutes. (Thanks to RENT the Musical, for that number). No matter how you put it, the past won't change. It can make you bitter. Or it can make you better. This past year has been one that I would never wish upon anyone, and definitely don't want to re-do, but I can say with confidence it has made me better. My dad often asks, "Why you?" And I still can't answer that. Obviously God knew I could handle it and would use His grace, but also, I truly believe it has been a blessing in disguise. Like I've said before, there are many, many other hardships that are more devastating. So I say, why not me?

Bon Voyáge! 

Kaptain Keri

Immune System For Sale

I have to eat my words. I was wrong. Very wrong. And yes, I did just admit that I'm not always right. 

My sleep disorders specialist called on Thursday and revealed the results of my sleep study: 

"Keri, we have a serious problem here. You are extremely, extremely tired. You fell asleep each time you took a nap. (If you remember from my last post, I swore I didn't fall asleep once. And still to this day would bet big bucks I was awake the entire time!) Not only did you fall asleep, but you did so in an average of 2.5 minutes. On top of that, 4 of the 5 naps you went into REM sleep--the deepest sleep. So what all of this means is that you have a disease called narcolepsy."

Say what?!?!

"Based on your history of autoimmune diseases (Hashimoto's Thyroiditis and Celiac's), your symptoms, and failure of the sleep study, it all makes sense. So what we do is start you on Nuvigil. It's the Riddalin of the 21st century without the side effects. (What big whig CEO's and shift workers use.) Nothing can cure narcolepsy, but the symptoms are treated through medication to hopefully bring relief."

I was shocked. Totally stunned. And then scared. Thoughts flooded my head: I don't want to be on that type of medication! What about still needing to straighten out my thyroid meds? Will that make a difference? What almost 23 year old is diagnosed with thyroid cancer, celiac's, and narcolepsy all in a matter of 8 months? I'm officially a FREAK!

After this weird "dream" ended and I got a grip on the situation, I went into medicine mode. I read countless studies, experiments from Stanford, publications in the New England Journal of Medicine, and reviewed research conducted by inhumanely smart Chinese scientists.

In a nutshell (and a language we all can understand) this is what I gathered: 

Narcolepsy is a rare sleep disorder causing excessive daytime sleepiness, symptoms of abnormal rapid eye movement (REM) sleep, disrupted nocturnal sleep, and cataplexy. Not much is known about the disease, but in recent years there has been more evidence confirming it to be autoimmune related. As with all autoimmune diseases, your immune system mistakenly attacks and destroys healthy body tissues. Additionally, I was told in high school when I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's that once you have one AI disease, you're very likely to have two, if not 3 at some point in your life. While that isn't true for everyone, clearly I have reached "two's company, three's a crowd," status. Yippe! Ha. 

But back to being a Narc ;) The disease comes from a lack of hypocretin--a hormone that promotes wakefulness. In narcoleptic patients, they are missing the brain cells that produce this hormone. Recent studies are showing a link between narcolepsy and a variant for the HLA (human leukocyte antigen) gene. This HLA gene is what our immune system uses to differentiate between our own cells and foreign cells. Because of this variant, my body is attacking those 10,000-20,000 hypocretin producing cells, out of the billions of cells in my brain, leading to the autoimmune disease. And interestingly enough, I found in my studies that the HLA markers for Celiac's and Narcolepsy are almost identical, leading to more evidence for my diagnosis. 

Are you lost? If not, congrats! That is a lot of science to comprehend. I eventually stopped researching because it was leading to studies about relating Narcolepsy to coming down with other neural degenerative diseases like Alzheimer's, at an earlier age. At that point, I decided I'd had enough of trying to figure myself out. It was easy for a little bit to feel sorry for myself and wonder why it was all happening to me, and allowing panic to set in about all the "fun" I have to look forward to as I grow older. But after a few days, it all began to clear. 

If these are the 3 AI diseases I'm being handed, then in my opinion I'm blessed. There are over 90 autoimmune diseases, and some are absolutely terrible compared to the 3 I have. None can be cured. Only the symptoms can be managed. But I can think of tons of situations that are far worse than my own. I also know that I have been given the strength to handle this new situation. God won't leave me hanging. Plus, hopefully by the time I reach the senior citizen discount, there will be major medical advancements allowing me to regenerate/clean my immune system. Studies are currently in the works! 

Now for a little dose of good news. My healthy diet already supports immune health. Also, I have a big appointment on Tuesday at RedLine pharmacy to review the full hormone panel I went through a couple weeks ago. I have major expectations. I've heard wonderful success stories about regaining control of the crazy world of hormones and can only hope I have the same results. More about that later this week. 

So. With all of that being said. Who want's to switch immune systems???

Now, I'm off to sleep ;) 

(Not So) Sleeping Beauty

Hellooooo!

Since my last post in July, not much has changed. Which in some ways is good, but most ways it's been adding to my long list of frustrations. At my last big appointment in July, things cancer-wise were stable. No tumor markers were present in my blood work. The spots in my lungs were not scanned and I believe that's on the agenda for my appointment towards the end of this month. Let's just say if they aren't, soon after I talk with my doctor they will be. I requested all of my records in July and am not comfortable with "indescribable" as the word choice noting the spots. Hopefully we can pinpoint those a little better in the near future.

As for why I'm so frustrated:  I am still very fatigued, along with every other low-thyroid symptom under the sun. It's no surprise though that my doctor wants to sllllllllowly inch along and continually has me wait 6 more weeks to see if things change. (For the record, they haven't for the last 8 months!) On top of that, she advised me to see a sleep disorders specialist. I should've refused right then and there. But I consented and met with the very nice man at the med center in August. He completely agreed with me in that he thinks my problem lies with not enough supplementation of medication/thyroid related. However, he thought it would be best for me to go through with a full blown sleep study to prove it to my doctor. Which brings me to the title of this post.

When discussing what all a sleep study would entail, it didn't sound all that bad. 24 hours in the hospital. DVD player. A chance to catch up on some reading. No obligations. And best of all, lots of sleeping! Little did I know it would be absolutely nothing like I had imagined...

I checked-in Monday evening and immediately was uncomfortable. Yes, I had a private room like they promised, but cameras and an intercom were staged around the room, and right outside my door sat the desk with computers where the nurses kept a watchful eye on me. I was told they would "put me to bed" around 11pm but preparation would start at 10pm as it took 45 minutes to hook me up. Thankfully Monday Night Football was on to keep me occupied. When it was time to set everything up, I was in shock at what all they pulled out of the closet. They were not lying about the 45 minutes. In the end I had 10 electrodes glued to my head, 8 on my face, 4 on my chest monitoring my heart, 3 on each leg, a couple on my fingers, 1 band around my chest, and 1 band around my abdomen. Oh, and an oxygen tube in my nose circling my ears. Phew! I had the nurse take a picture of me, but absolutely will never ever show it to anyone. Unless you're willing to pay me. (I was no sleeping beauty.)

Then it was time for bed. Except I had no idea how I was supposed to sleep hooked into the wall and knowing I was being watched. That was probably the closest I'll ever come to being a fish in a bowl. Actually, more like a poor mouse being used for research. Once I was helped into bed, the nurse left and began to speak to me through the intercom. The wires needed to be calibrated. This was the process: stare at the ceiling, now close your eyes but don't fall asleep, look up towards the head board and down at your feet multiple times, look left and right multiple times, blink quickly 10 times, swallow, grind your teeth, and make a snoring noise. That alone was a task.

I honestly slept okay, until they woke me up at 6am. So much for the recommendation to get 9 hours of sleep each night. My breakfast came shortly after. I had to pre-order my meals the night before. At that time the food sounded pretty good. But when it arrived, I instantly lost my appetite. I attempted to eat some of it but couldn't do it. Then it was time for my nap study. At 8am, 10am, 12pm, 2pm, and 4pm they would be coming in to put me down for a nap. I knew there was no way I was going to be able to take that many naps in one day. But, again I was fooled. I didn't actually even get to take one nap the entire day! A little before each hour mark they came in and helped me back into bed (still all hooked up). Next we repeated the calibration process. Finally I was instructed to try and fall asleep and to resist the urge to stay awake. The first session I was still tired from a long, but fun, weekend in addition to an awkward night of sleep prior, so I think I did fall asleep. But, before I knew it my nurse came in and flipped on the lights! She said, "Keri, your nap is over. It's time to get out of bed." I checked my phone. It had only been 23 minutes! I was confused. At 10am, the exact same thing happened. Finally after the noon session (18 minutes this time) I asked if I was ever going to be able to take a real nap. I was quickly told, no. What a joke! I thought this was supposed to be a sleep study. My frustration was quickly growing, and I tried to keep my annoyed sense hidden but it was tough. I did apologize a couple times to the nurses stating that I just couldn't understand why I was having to go through all of this. I also asked if I was "failing". Her response was, "That's a really great question. But I'm not allowed to answer that. I have a very good idea though." Ughhhh. Get me out of here! Finally the entire evaluation was over. Praise the Lord! I was mentally and physically exhausted. And to top it off I felt sick. But I was done and ready to hit the road for home. And as my lovely souvenir, I had rashes on my face, neck, and chest from the lovely tape they used. Along with thick globs of glue in my hair. Again, no sleeping beauty.

Within the next week I will be hearing from my doctor about how it all went. In my mind, I am still certain that everything is thyroid related and I do not have a sleep disorder. And I cannot wait to thank my doctor for her "wonderful" suggestion. I think I'm going to have a hard time keeping the sarcasm out of my voice at my next appointment.

I slept for 13 hours straight last night. Obviously I know how to sleep just fine. So in the end, instead of it being a nice little getaway to lala land for 24 hours, it was an exhausting, stressful, and annoying evaluation. All I wanted was to be Sleeping Beauty, who in the morning would be awoken by a sweet kiss from Prince Charming himself.

I guess I'll keep dreaming...

Change of Plans

Hello again!!!

Wow. I had to look twice at the date of my last post. April?!? I have been telling myself for weeks that I need to write an update, but apparently life has taken over and that has not happened. So, before I get into recent details I thought I would recap the last couple months:

May: 

• I turned in my completed Honors Thesis, which was the final requirement of the Honors Program.
• I received a random email from KETV News out of Omaha during finals week instructing me to call them. Long story short they had caught wind of my story from a buzz sent by University officials across campus and asked if I would be willing to let them do a news story about my crazy semester. I agreed and they asked if I could be ready that evening! I still had a final left and had been nannying all day. So instead on Friday morning at 7:30am, they met me at the Campus Rec Center and started the series of interviews. I'm sure most of you have seen it by now as my Facebook wall exploded once it was aired. But if not, here is the link to the clip. (Note: I debated awhile about if I should share it or not. I am still embarrassed every time I watch it!)
•  KETV News Clip
• I was handed my diploma! Afterwards I had a party at a hotel in town. It worked perfectly because my cousin got married that night and all of my family had rooms reserved. Thank you again to everyone who came by! It was great to see each of you. 
• My "little" brother graduated from high school! I could not be more proud of the person he has grown to be and am even more excited for what lies ahead as he begins his college baseball career this Fall.
• I started my job working for two ophthalmologists in town. It is my 3rd summer there and I absolutely love it!
• My cousin in Washington D.C. chose me to be his Confirmation Sponsor. I was beyond honored and had a wonderful trip to the East coast. Time with family never gets old. 
• Kyle's Legion baseball team began games during Memorial weekend. I figured I have played/watched more baseball games in my life than any other thing I have done, and I wouldn't have it any other way!

June: 

• I started to really crack down on studying for the MCAT. The test is 2 weeks away and words cannot describe how afraid I am! 
• Each year one of the highlights of my summer is time at the College World Series. This year was no exception. I got away for a few days and spent lots of time downtown tailgating, attending games, hanging out with family and friends, and enjoying time by the pool at my aunt & uncle's house. I was cheering for Arkansas as I am a Dave Van Horn fan, but after they lost my loyalty was for the Wildcats of Arizona! Sorry South Carolina, no 3-peat. 
• And of course, countless Legion baseball games and tournaments. 

July: 

• Happy July! The 4th is my favorite holiday. There's just something about fireworks, friends, family, grilling out, drinks, and relaxing in the summer heat. 

So there you have it. A very brief recap of my life since my last posting. Now for the specifics. A lot of people have been asking me how I have been feeling lately. More than anything I wish I could say that I was as good as new! But that is not the case. My energy levels are still pathetic and I do not have my stamina back. I have been working out 5-6 days a week alternating between cardio, strength training, intervals, and performance workouts, all while watching everything I put into my mouth, but I am still struggling. (And this is all while being on a gluten free diet for over 3 months. No desserts, breads, pastas, etc.) I've been tempted to walk around with a sign around my neck that says, "Please don't judge. I swear I don't sit on the couch and eat junk food all day." But that would draw even more attention than I am already getting from the adorable white "spot" circling my scar from endless amounts of sunscreen and a brown tan surrounding it. One little boy asked me if I had been scratched by a cat because thats what his arm looks like when his cat scratches him. It was the cutest thing and I couldn't help but laugh!

There was a point in June when I decided enough was enough and called my doctor. She agreed that some blood tests would be a good idea. I was ecstatic when she called back and told me she wanted to adjust my dosage! However, it wasn't but 5 seconds later she told me she was going to DECREASE the amount of medicine I was taking. Talk about going from the highest high to the lowest low. After we talked and reviewed my symptoms more in-depth, she agreed that it would probably be best to stay where I was for the time being. Thank goodness. But at the same time, this has raised some suspicion. My lab values are indicating that I should be feeling great and instead my symptoms are the exact opposite. It's basically a déjà vu of Fall 2011. That's when we later found out it was the cancer causing the imbalance. So, for now I just wait. My big 6 month appointment is at the very end of this month, and at that time we will find out if there is more going on than we are unaware of at the moment. But none of this scares me in the least bit. I'm just so frustrated and had thought I would be feeling "normal" by now. 

There are so many reasons I love my job, but one of the main ones is that each day I am reminded of how unbelievably lucky I am. All of the patients come in with different stories of struggle, heartache, and hardships that continually put what I am going through into perspective. Now don't get me wrong, I would have never chosen to be diagnosed with cancer, but as I have said before, there are hundreds of things that I am not facing that make me grateful. So on that note, here is my mini lecture for the day: Please, please, please take care of yourself. How complicated our bodies are is mind-blowing and it's so important to take preventative measures before it's too late. Go for daily walks, start an exercise plan, add more fruits and veggies to your diet, stop smoking, and decrease the stressors in your life. Trust me, you will thank yourself in 30 years when you don't have a current medications list that is 2 pages long and you are healthy enough to spend time with your grandkids. 

Many of you have been asking me when the big moving day is. Well, that is something that has changed in the last couple weeks or so. Just a few days ago I turned down job offers in both California and Arizona. Yes, you read that correctly. I will NOT be moving come August. This is something that has been heavily on my mind lately and the decision was not an easy one to make. It all started when my grandma fell again in the middle of the night last weekend. This is unfortunately becoming a common occurrence, and each time it happens the tug it makes on my heart becomes a little more painful. Doctors are thinking she has multi infarct dementia. It was then I started to re-evaluate my options. To make a long story short, I would absolutely love to adventure out and explore an entirely new area of the country for a year. But at the end of the day, time with my grandmother (and other family members) means more to me than waking up in wine country each day. I have finally accepted that her days are numbered and it kills me. There are a lot glamorous "pros" to moving away, but I can also say with complete certainty that I will never regret spending this precious time making memories with my grandma. Moving is something that can wait. This can't. Plus, I am happy here. I have my entire support team close by, a job I love and can't wait to continue, and the amount of money I will be saving is unreal. By staying here I will actually be able to go do more things and have greater flexibility than if I would move. Additionally, the fact that I spent only 2 weekends in Lincoln the entire semester means that I didn't really get to spend time with all of my best friends here. Now I can make up for all that lost time!

Of course, it would be un-Keri-like to just stop there. The stipulation I made if I stayed was that I will be traveling to Kenya, Africa after the first of the year (probably around February, once the medical school situation is all figured out) to spend a minimum of 2 months living with a host family and serving as a medical intern in the local hospitals and clinics. If only you knew how excited I already am to return to Africa! It has been my dream to go back since the day I landed on US ground a little over a year ago after my first trip to Ghana. I spoke with a pre-nursing student who did what I am going to do, and she told me that after a week in the maternity ward she was delivering babies! In the rural areas of Kenya the doctor/patient ratio is about 1/85,000. Clearly they are in desperate need of care and compassion and it is my plan to do just that. The stories she shared with me are so incredible. And after looking through my pictures and watching the video of my trip last summer, I know in my heart this is exactly what I want to do. 

Whew. I think that is all. Well, for now at least. I know I could go on and on about various things I mentioned but this post is already way too long. I will say that even though I had everything planned and ready to move, it's funny how God somehow always finds a way to guide me in His direction, whether or not it is what I had in mind. It's the perfect reminder that He has plans for me far greater than what I could ever dream of, as long as I'm willing to follow! 

I hope you all have a wonderful 4th of July! Blow stuff up, buy a box of snaps just to feel like a little kid again, marvel over at least one fireworks show, celebrate with friends and family, and God Bless America!

xoxo

Almost A Great Day

I woke up yesterday and my stomach dropped. I realized it was Wednesday, the day my phone needed to be glued to my hand in preparation for the call from my doctor. Up until that moment I honestly had not thought much about it. Then just as I was about to enter my microbiology class, it rang.

Everything came back good! Side note: I promise I meant to post yesterday, but my 30 minute afternoon nap unintentionally turned into a 3 hour one. Then my evening was consumed with studying for an exam I had this morning. Anyway, the tumor markers were still not present. Meaning: either the radiation is doing a good enough job right now of attacking the cancer, or the cancer has not spread to the areas that appeared on the scan. My blood glucose and A1C were in the normal range. Vitamin D and calcium came back decent. And my thyroid medicine is normal as well. So, all very good things. 

While we were both excited, she sensed I was probably a little disappointed with the thyroid medicine results because I am still not feeling the best. And yes, I am a little bummed out. But I told her I need to keep reminding myself that I am only 3 months post-surgery and 2 months out from radiation and it is still fighting inside me. She agreed. Both of those things have caused my body to be totally thrown out of whack, which is going to require patience on my part. I would love a quick fix and be back to "normal" but in reality that is not possible. Time is the only thing that will straighten all of this out. 

All of this means that I am in the clear until July!! I have 3 whole months until I have to report back for an ultrasound, possible scans, blood work, and check-ups with all of the doctors. That will be the big 6 month check. Thank goodness because every weekend from now until the end of May has at least one thing marked down in my planner. 

But while all of that was a relief, it wouldn't make sense for my day to end with good news. I called my mom right after I spoke with my doctor and I could sense something was wrong. I told her my news and she was happy, but then proceeded to say that she was sitting in the emergency room with all of her sisters. My grandma had fallen that morning and hit the back of her head. She was waiting to tell me because she knew I probably had enough on my mind. After a few scans, it was determined that she has a slow, internal brain bleed and was transferred to ICU. Vitamin K was being pumped through to aid in clotting and the Coumadin she is on was being flushed out because it thins the blood. As of right now she is still in ICU for observation and is doing well. They have the bleed under control and see no reason to perform surgery. Thank the Lord! My grandma has been through enough. She had 8 children, is a colon cancer survivor of 20+ years, suffered a stroke about 6 years ago on Christmas Eve, broke her hip a year later on New Year's Eve, two summers ago had a subdural hematoma and brain surgery was performed to put in a shunt, months of intense therapy, random TIA's, and now this. After her brain surgery the doctor told her she could not do three things: fall, fall or fall. So each time something happens, our hearts skip a beat because if one little thing goes wrong, that could be it. 

Obviously my grandma is one tough lady. After hearing the news yesterday, my trip home tomorrow for Easter cannot come soon enough. My heart aches so badly for her. The first thing I am going to do is drive straight to the hospital and put a smile on her face.

I hope you all have a wonderful and blessed Easter with loved ones. Saturday night we are celebrating my other grandma and dad's birthdays, and my uncle is coming home to say Easter Sunday mass at our parish, followed by brunch at our house. 

As for every other hour of the day starting today thru Sunday afternoon, I will be camped out by the television watching coverage of The Masters golf tournament. I of course stocked up on cans of Zero Calorie Arnold Palmer's from the store to enjoy. (Google them. Then go buy one. Seriously the best drink ever made!) I would love to see Rory and Tiger head to head in the final round. Also, I officially decided I will be in attendance next year. I don't know how much longer I can take just watching it on TV! Everything about the tournament is perfect: colors, course condition, flowers, music, roars of the crowd, the beauty everywhere of everything, intensity of each stroke, and the celebration of the legends who changed the face of golf. 

Thank you all again for the prayers and support! They have definitely been working.  

Mom's Day

Every year my sorority hosts a Mom's Day. All of the moms are invited down for a lunch and then some sort of activity. This year, an old theater in town was rented out for us and we watched the classic movie Now & Then. It's tradition for the seniors to put together a little speech and gift for their moms and then present it in front of everyone. I thought I would share my note with all of you as well. While I may be the star of this recent crazy adventure, my mom has definitely been the producer behind the scenes. Without her, my performance would not be possible. So here's to you, mom:

A love letter to my beautiful mother:

Plain and simple, you are the most giving and forgiving person I have ever met. From the moment I was born, you began to make sacrifices. Majority of the details I will never come to know, but that is not what is important. What is, is the knowledge that you gave your all to make things work.

From what I can remember and the numerous pictures in albums, my toddler years were full of long walks, hours upon hours on the swing set, arts and crafts, trips to children’s museums, and always the best birthday parties. Whenever I wanted to play, you dropped what you were doing and joined.

Then it was time to send me off to Kindergarten. Which also meant for the next 13 years, until the day I graduated from high school, you would make time in your morning rush to pack me a lunch because I was too picky to eat anything at the schools. And of course, I didn’t like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, or any type of sandwich for that matter (except the occasional cheese and butter). I remember you saying it was always a struggle for you to find enough things to fill my lunch bag. But you never failed. Each day I couldn’t wait to see what you had packed. And the cute notes you would surprise me with every once in awhile were the perfect touch.

The family move to South Dakota during middle school took a toll on each one of us in the family. You gave me that pretty birthstone ring for my 13^th birthday just a few weeks before the move. Instead of being grateful, I screamed and yelled how much I hated it, and I’m pretty sure I threw it at you. Yet, you understood it was nothing personal and forgave me. You stayed strong through it all. Numerous times you went out of your comfort zone to be sure that Kyle and I were involved in various activities and meeting new people. When I was homesick for Nebraska, you would hop in the car, without hesitation, and make the 5-hour trek back or meet grandma and grandpa halfway. Your positive attitude never faltered.

High school was full of new experiences and you were there every step of the way. I could always count on you to be at every important event. Even if it was just that my class was in charge of mass at school that week, you would go in late to work just to be there. When things were stressful because I packed way too much into my schedule, and I took my frustration out on some small thing you did, you forgave me. One of your famous lines is, “Take things one day, one hour, or even on minute at a time.” It is something you still continually remind me of, and it is always exactly what I need to hear. Those years were also full of allowing yourself to trust me while I went out and explored new things. And even though I told you constantly to “just trust me,” I see now looking back that you did more than I probably deserved. I say that not because I was making bad choices, but because now that I am older and Kyle is going through all of that, I am definitely the over-protective sister and have a small scale sense of the uneasiness you must have felt oh so many times as I walked out the door.

The day I moved into the dorms for the first time feels like yesterday. I could go on for days about the moments you have given me so much in the past four years. For example my laundry comes with me every time I’m home, and somehow it always ends up clean, folded, and ready to go when I leave to head back to school. Included is always a goodie bag of munchies to get me through the week. When I called crying because a physics or organic chemistry exam had just completely dominated me, you assured me everything would still work out. And it always did.

But more importantly than anything I have ever dealt with in the past 22 years of my life, is what I am going through right now. When I called each day last semester and you asked how I felt, I began to sound like a broken record. It was the motherly instinct in you that knew something was wrong. You were the one who demanded an ultrasound because your little girl just wasn’t quite right. Sure enough, your persistence was something that quite possibly could have saved my life.

They say cancer changes you. And it does. But more than anything, I have seen it change the lives of people around me. Especially, you mom. The hours and hours we have spent in waiting rooms, the time you have taken off from work to be by my side, spending your weekends preparing iodine-free food for me to take back to school, patience when my hormones have gotten the best of me on several occasions, telling me it’s okay to cry and not know why, and letting me invade your closet because the clothes in mine don’t fit (thank goodness you have great style). But what I want to thank you most for, is passing down your constant strength and unfailing faith in God.

People ask me how I am so optimistic and accepting of all that is happening to me. The answer is that I have grown up with the best angel of grace and somehow got lucky enough to call her “mom”.

We have no idea how this will all end up. But you and I both know that everything will work out. Because as you always say, we must “Let go and let God.”

Finally, I want you to know how much your support and encouragement of my big move to California means to me. Being 2,000 miles away will totally stink. Especially when we have been inseparable the past few months. But we will still continue to talk everyday and I can promise you, the trips out to see me will be so unbelievable it will make up for the times we are apart. However, I have a lot to learn this summer before I leave. Number one being how to do laundry correctly!

I love you to the moon and back. Never forget that. Always and forever my mommy you’ll be.

xoxo,

your Keri Ellen

After I read her the letter, I presented her with a book titled, "Mom's Make the Best Friends". It is full of little reasons why a mother is also a best friend. Our personal favorite was the page stating: She buys a giant bag of popcorn at the movies...whether or not we have just eaten a meal. It fits us perfectly. I then gave her a card. It was her invitation to spend an entire day with me down at the College World Series this June. I also noted that sun tans, lots of laughs, fun tailgates, and cute baseball boys were included.

After the movie this afternoon, we ran a couple errands, shared a little dinner, and picked beautiful lilacs on campus for her to take home. The smell is her all time favorite. It was our last, official Gamma Phi Beta Mom's Day, but I reassured her that there would be many more mother/daughter days to come. Especially when she flies out to visit me in California.

If you haven't told your mom how much she means to you lately, you should. My mom and I's time together today definitely warmed our hearts and filled them with love. She is the best. So again, thanks mom. I love you.